JB here...Today has been a day from hell. I made my 5th trip in 3 days to the grocery store for MORE groceries because it seems I can't just write a list like a normal person. Apparently I like to just guess at what I might need and spend all my time/money racing back and forth to the store.
Now let me tell you why it is such a pain in the arse for me to go to the store. Number one: I have kids. It's never easy taking them anywhere, be it one or four, I hate taking them with me, this morning was no exception. I would rather take a bath in an alligator's mouth than take more than one child in public with me. Don't even ask me what I would rather do than take all four in public, you would be horrified, but not as horrified as I would be to take all those kids with me! Number two: I live in BFE, yes, it means what you think it does. I live 25 miles away from the damn store, so it costs me probably about ten bucks in gas to hop in the mommy mobile and run to the store and back, and even a "quick" trip takes at least 2 hours. Not to mention that living in farmville you may get stuck driving behind farmer joe in his john deere. Whoever made up the phrase "nothing runs like a deere" was an idiot. It insinuates that the bastard thing can go faster than 20 mph and that is just a flat out lie. Number three: I forgot my coupons. I hate going anywhere without my coupons. It makes me angry. I just know I'll find something on clearance that I had a coupon for and could have had said item for free. So I was just crabby all around this morning.
So last night I made a note ( a MENTAL note that is) of what I needed from the store and decided to keep my youngest son home from school so I would have time to run all my errands and not have to worry about getting him off the bus. I don't know how many times I have asked my friends to please remind me keeping him home from school is NEVER a good idea, yet I forget and do it anyway. Today was no exception to that rule, it sucked. I love having my little boy around, he's great fun, however....he and Pieface HATE each other! I cannot stand those two together yet they are the combination of kids I almost always have. It's so hard not to freak out in public while those two yell "STOP GABE" and "MOM SHE'S LOOKING AT ME, TELL HER TO STOP LOOKING AT ME" oh and my most favorite "MOM GABE'S SITTING BY ME!!" like where would you prefer him to sit? On the luggage rack on the roof? I don't dare ask, I know she would say yes.
So I take off with my two babies thinking today was going to be a wonderful day. I should have known today would suck. I mean, come on, it's a Monday for crying out loud. Also, my husband calls me 5 minutes after he leaves for work, which I should have realized something was wrong because he never calls me in the morning. He was all nonchalant asking what I was doing, like he didn't just get off the webcam with me 5 minutes prior to calling. Then he was like "oh, get this, a tree fell on my car". (I told him God did it to smite him for making fun of my cooking on facebook). Yup, it's gonna be a great day!!!
So anyway, off I go to run my errands, and head into the grocery store with my mental list ready to go. I walk into the store, mental list disappears. Completely.Gone. I have no idea why I'm there other than to get sour cream. WTF?!?! Now, anyone that knows me knows I have the worst memory ever. EVER I tell you! I have been calling Darlene for going on probably 3 or 4 years and every time we're chatting online and I tell her I'm going to call, I have to ask for the number. EVERY time!! So anyway, I'm in this store just wandering, going from one end of the store to the other because God knows as the memory starts to come back it couldn't be in order of the store, it would be things on opposite ends each time I think of them. I think it was God's way of telling me I have a fat ass and I need some exercise....or something like that ;) (wait, was that blasphemous?) Now I must mention, I love going to the store in the mornings. Okay, it's not the store that I love, I love seeing other mothers of small children being miserable. Misery loves company. It makes me happy if my children are quiet for just one minute while someone else's scream and wail as loudly as possible. I know, I'm a jerk, but it makes me happy. What makes me even happier, is getting to walk off from this wailing child knowing I am not personally resposible for the screaming monster ;)
I decided to bribe the kids with donuts because they were bright colored and tasty and let's face it, I cannot leave a store without having first consumed a maple persian donut, and I cannot be that fat assed mommy that walks around eating donuts while her skinny kids beg for food. Honestly, my kids are scrawny. Seriously scrawny. Ask anyone, it's awful. I have no idea why, I swear to you I feed those kids!! Even my "chubby" one is still way underweight, sad isn't it? I guess they don't take after their mother in the packing on the fat category. Anyhow, so I buy these kids some donuts, thinking THIS will make them happy. Oh stupid stupid me....
On one of my many previous shopping trips this weekend I bought Pieface a hello kitty candy necklace. Partially because it was just cute and of course the baby always gets spoiled when the other kids are with dillweed, and partially because I will do or buy anything to keep my kid quiet in the grocery store. She has this scream that makes you want to saw off your own head with a plastic butter knife rather than listen to for more than one second. It's horrid. So she is madly in love with her hello kitty candy necklace, first thing she does? Bites off hello kitty's head. Should have been a sign to me....but again, I'm an idiot.
Pieface has worn that necklace for 3 days. Just keeps munching on it and then putting it back on. She has been covered in white crust for 2 days. Even when I give her a bath, first thing she does is put it back on, which defeats the purpose of the damn bath in the first place, so why did I even bother? She asks me to put it on her dresser at night and every morning when she wakes up and magically appears in my face to say good morning, she's wearing it. Loves it. What she doesn't love, is not getting her way. Lately she's been throwing some good temper tantrums, and loves to yell stupid garbage at me like "FINE I won't have my birthday" which apparently is suppose to hurt me or something, but what do I care if I don't have to bake a cake and wrap presents and mess up my house even more?
So in the store Pieface is mad at her brother, and mad at me because they were beating each other so I would't let them ride the horse which is her most favorite thing to do in life. Mean, bad mommy. So she says "FINE I don't want my necklace" and throws it on the ground. This is when I start hauling arse to get away from it because I am not letting her eat something that has been on the ground for more than 30 seconds in a public place. Well that is enough to send miss queen bee into a raging fit. I'm talking RAGING fit! She was hitting, screaming, kicking....yeah I'm that mom where you want to walk up and smack ME because my kid is so bad. It was awesome. I finally get to the van and tell Pieface to go get in her carseat, because at 3, my kid still needs a baby carseat, told you they're scrawny!! Immediately Pieface makes a run for it and starts running around my van. So I'm running around the van chasing this little beast trying to figure out in my head how I will keep myself from beating her once I finally catch her. I finally catch the monster and despite her kicking and screaming I get her strapped in, at this point I am thankful I can strap her in a baby carseat because a tantrum like that deserves a 5 point harness.
Thank goodness that trip was over! Pieface tried to punish me by not eating her donut, like it hurts my feeling if I have to eat one more, wrong-o kid, I LOVE donuts!!! I find that in life, there are very few things donuts can't fix, and if donuts can't fix them then wine always can. Guaranteed. So life is good again, we're singing in the car crazy loud to some songs I am unsure if the kids should listen to, but anything to keep them happy, and we're all eating donuts. Life.Is.Good. Or is it?? The hell if it is....now I realize the whole reason I went to the store. More cooking food and freezing it. SON OF A BISTRO!!!
I'm home and I'm not happy. I did cook some food. I made about ten meals or so already today, but I.DONT.WANT.TO.SEE.ONE.MORE.CHICKEN!! I hate chicken. I would considering becoming a vegan because I feel I cannot stand the sight of meat ever again after cooking so much of it, but I hate chickens so much I will eat them just to spite them. I hated birds to begin with, they freak me out with all their weird pecking and flying at people. I once watched The Birds for the first time and when I was finished I stepped out onto our deck where a bird proceeded to dive bomb me. That was when my hatred of birds started, and it has only grown from there. A few weeks ago I went to walk out to my "sunroom" (really a room with thrown together by idiots with a styrofoam celing and everything just half-assed and stupid looking. I mean the ceiling is bright blue for crying out loud!), oh and did I mention there are BIRDS living above the ceiling below the roof in my sunroom? One pecked his way through the styrofoam ceiling, got stuck in the sunroom, and flew back and forth smashing into the windows and bleeding all over the place. Disgusting right? I thought the bird was gone and I was on the phone with my mom chatting it up walking around the sunroom when the bird appears out of nowhere and flies at me. Needless to say, my mom heard me say words a lady should just never say. It was traumatizing. Probably just as traumatizing to her considering she and my father are pastors. Yeah that's right....I'm a pastor's kid. I'll save those stories for another blog. Oh, and I can read your mind, you stop right now with that "OH THAT'S what's wrong with her" the hell if it is...it's because I fell five feet onto blacktop and landed on my head. Again, that's a whole different blog waiting to happen ;)
Now, do you understand why I hate birds? As if I didn't hate them enough before I started my cooking endeavor, now I have 20 lbs of raw bird corpses to deal with. I hate it....all of it. Thank God the cooking is almost over, at least I hope it is. Please remind me next time I think it would be fun to cook more food than my family would ever eat in a month, to shut the hell up and go take a nap. Thanks, I appreciate it.
Well I must go shred the ten pounds of chicken waiting for me, and find a place for the ten bags of groceries sitting in the middle of my kitchen floor that I keep tripping over and cursing. One of these days, I'm going to be done cooking. FOR.GOOD! It's a good thing I will have food in the freezer for over a month, because it's going to take at least that long for me to ever have the desire to cook again.
Off I go, wish me luck. I hate this idea and I hate myself for having it. The worst part of it all, is that after spending all this time cooking this stuff, I don't want to ever eat any of it. I have been cooking for days yet I've only been eating candy and twinkies. Why you ask? Because I don't want to eat that naked skinned cat looking chicken I boiled yesterday, or anything that caused me to lose sleep. I just finished off breakfast some cola gummy things, I suppose they should provide enough strength for me to go shred ten pounds of chicken. That won't take long right??? ;)
~JB
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