JB here. Darlene ordered me to post a blog. Too bad she wasn't more specific in telling me WHAT to write. So I wandered around my house, making food, putting Pieface to bed, all confused because I felt nothing had even happened today worth writing about. I went into the bathroom to brush my teeth when I notice the sink is clogged (and filled with oreos but that isn't why it is clogged). This reminded me of the drama my baby mama and I had today because of the monsters I mean her/mine/our kids.
My baby mama and I have very little time to hang out. Dillweed keeps her on a tight leash as she is wicked hot and he is insanely jealous, like completely overboard jealous. Now I suppose first I should explain, she has given him no reason to be that way, he's just crazy. Second of all, baby mama has a knockout figure, and she has FIVE kids!! She has the body of an 18 yr old and the rack of Dolly Parton. I told dillweed I can't help but notice her huge rack, he said that did not help my case in getting to hang out with her. See...he is even jealous of women, he's THAT bad. Anyhow, so she's very hot and just a ton of fun to be around. It's actually been said that I get along with my baby mama better than she does with dillweed. That's to be expected, he's a jerkoff and he would make Mother Theresa curse and drink after 24 hours of living with him. Again, he's THAT bad.
Since dilweed is crazy jealous and never lets my baby mama out of the house, we choose to have coffee when he's at work. He can't say anything about that, what's he gonna do? Come home from work and check and make sure she isn't with me? Actually....he's done that. I have actually told her that if they split, she gets the visitation rights of the kids and he can kiss off ;) I do love this chick. Randomly she defies him and I force a drink or two down her and she stays till we finish of every last drop of alcohol in the house and then she goes home to face the wrath of dillweed. But it's worth every last minute of it. We have THAT much fun!
Our daily routine when the baby mama comes to get the kids goes like this: after she picks up her kids from school she drops off 3 of them and brings over the 2 who are the same ages as my oldest and who are also bff's and cannot live nor breathe without being around each other 24/7. Said kids walk in the house without ringing doorbell, thank God because the sound of the doorbell sends me instantly into a fit of rage, and besides, my hubs doesn't live with me yet so I don't care if people I LIKE just walk in the house. Let dillweed try it ONCE, and my baby mama will have a wife instead of a husband :) So once my baby mama comes into the house I go straight to the kitchen and either A. get her some coffee or B. get her a coke out of the fridge. Depending on the weather, that depends on the beverage. Then we immediately yell to the kids to behave while we go hide in the sun room (remember, the room built by idiots with birds pecking their way through the ceiling? Amazing the things mothers will do for some peace and quiet!)
Off we go to enjoy our silence. Okay, it's not silent, and the only thing enjoyable is sitting with another adult who completely 100% gets my insanity caused by my kids because she spends just as much, if not more, time with my kids than I do. With the exception of Pieface, who is not dillweeds spawn (thank GOD for that!!) although my baby mama is SO nice, that she babysits my little monster for me. Now how awesome is that? I flew to Phoenix to be with the hubs last month, guess who keeps Pieface as well as the other 3 monsters for me? Yup, you guessed it, my baby mama. She ROCKS! So we sit and commiserate on how my oldest daughter, whom I call prissy, because she is just SO PRISSY, lives in her own little world and should have been born a blonde. Or how my oldest is the apple of dillweed's eye and can do no wrong or how my youngest son's shriek is enough to derail trains. It's so much fun because she's basically living my life, except poor her, she's married to an ass. I won't tell her, because if she finds out, she might not be my baby mama anymore and I just can't bear to ruin this good thing we have going ;)
As we chat we are always interrupted SEVERAL times within a few minutes. The worst part of this "sunroom" is that the door doesn't open or shut very easily, so it's always a big pain in the arse to pull the door open and it creaks. When you shut this door, you have to SLAM it. Now imagine having to hear it rip open and slam shut several times in a short period of time. The only days it doesn't annoy me are the times when dillweed gives up on getting time with his wife and comes and gets all the kids and Pieface goes to bed and we have a big old winefest, and also a big old whinefest. It's awesome! We laugh our heads off and tell "secrets" that aren't really secrets, it's just a blast. We laugh over what an idiot dillweed is, because he really, really is just that stupid. It's just fun. By the time the night is over we have had too much to drink, we have shared a little too much personal information, and we have laughed enough we should wake up in the morning with killer abs.
Now always remember, on our boozefest nights, I only have Pieface who sleeps like a champ (sometimes she has been known to sleep until noon, don't hate me because I'm beautiful, hate me because my kid could sleep all day!) which means I get to sleep in. She, on the other hand, has to get up with EIGHT kids and get them ready for school and shove them off and head to work. So really, I am the ass in the whole situation because I am laying in bed in silence, texting with only one eye open while she is texting while out in broad daylight, wrangling EIGHT kids, sucking down coffee and madly searching for sunglasses. I always have to text her the next morning to assess the damage. Dillweed has control issues and isn't one to be letting his woman have a life. So his hot ass wife comes over to drink wine with me, he freaks out. He knows that I am not his biggest fan, and if she is pissed he is terribly afraid I will talk her into leaving him, and in his warped little mind, I'll talk her into leaving him to be with me. See?!?! Sick little bastard isn't he? Now you know why he's dillweed.
Anyhow, so I always have to find out how pissed off dillweed is, so I can be expecting mean texts asking me not to turn his wife into an alcoholic, etc. Normally she says dillweed (she doesn't call him dillweed, nor does she know I call him dillweed, thats just my own little "pet" name for the bastard) doesn't want us hanging out ever again blah blah, but after a few months he chills out and forgets and sends her on over again. Silly man. He thinks we talk about him all the time. I tell him that's so not true....but it totally is ;) He's an ass, she knows it, I know it, hell, HE knows it. So, it gives us lots to talk about. After a little while of us both bitchign about him we get bored and move on to normal things, like how much we can't stand his big mean witch of a sister in law.
I'm telling you, she's a witch, she has the warts on her face to prove it ;) She's one of THOSE women, who thinks she know it all, thinks she has it all, and talk behind everyone's backs. Just an all around BEAST and isn't a true friend to anyone. Like I really need to know that her best friend had a baby via in vitro but chose not to use her husband's sperm, rather chose an anonymous donor instead. Really? Sounds like a best friend I would love to have, one who can't ever keep her trap shut. Why don't you just rent a billboard honey? It saves the time and breath of spreading it around town to everyone, plus...you need that breath for the treadmill. Your stomach looks like you never actually gave birth 6 years ago, maybe you should see if there isn't one still left in there, maybe you are so large because a small toddler is hiding inside you. Forgive me, I'm a fat ass too...so I have no right. But she is just THAT mean....makes me wanna be mean right back.
See, we have lots of things to talk about. It's not always about dillweed, but yes, there isn't a time where we don't make fun of him at least once or say some comment he made which makes our eyes roll almost permanently into the backs of our heads. It's not ALL about him...but again, sometimes it is. Plus we talk about the kids too...it wouldn't be a mommy's night if we didn't spend some time complaining about our kids for crying out loud!
Anyway, I am so far off track I wonder if you even remember what I was writing about to begin with. I wonder if I even remember....oh yes. So the baby mama and I have our wonderful time together, until we hear an almost inhuman howl, it was horrible. Now you must also know, this "sunroom" has "french" doors. Really, it has one glass door and one pane of glass fixed to the house. It looks as if both sides should open, but it's jank, and it doesn't. So I can see into the house. Now for one moment I thought I saw her son drag my little boy into the other room, but thought the lack of alcoholic beverages was making me hallucinate, so I quickly dismissed the thought and kept on talking. Not 5 seconds later we hear the howl, so we run into the house only to notice her son grabbing his family jewels and screaming. My oldest son, the angel, informs us my youngest son (who apparently has chosen not to take after his "angelic" name he was given) had punched her son in the nuts. Those were in the words of my son. Awesome. Game over.
We decide that's all we can handle so we start herding the kids to get shoes on, basically I am yelling get the hell out because I've had all the noise I can take for the day. So I start my usual barking of orders: "pick up those wrappers" or "who had grapes? where did they even come from?" or "no son you cannot paint your nails put that away and go!". Knowing how well behaved my kids are, I decide to wander the house and do some damage control. My youngest son had tied a jump rope to the pull thing (I have not a clue what it's called) that turns on the ceiling fan, the kids had gotten a box of 100 cal snack packs and eaten them all and wrappers were everywhere, the girls had decided to have a "tea party" with water in the bedroom, but at least it wasn't a fashion show like last time, I'm STILL doing laundry because of that!! Everything seemed to be enough I could deal with, UNTIL I got to the bathroom.
Now, remember when I told you the bathroom sink was clogged? Well my oldest son comes running to me all proud announcing he unclogged the sink. When I ask why it was clogged he tells me that Prissy dropped a toothbrush down the drain (which I was supposed to believe because its like every day I drop my toothbrush and it totally falls down the drain...wth really?) and that my youngest son, we'll call him Bam Bam because he's huge and breaks everything, he says that Bam Bam shoved grapes and cheese down the drain to get the toothbrush out (yes because this makes total sense...exactly the method I would have chosen). When I ask how he unclogged the drain, he says "I plunged it with my toothbrush". WONDERFUL. So I look around the bathroom to get a full idea of what has just happened here. This is what I see: toilet brush out of its holder, laying on the floor. Wet sock laying on the counter. Toothbrushes, EVERYWHERE. Toothpaste, EVERYWHERE (granted it's always everywhere. Apparently my kids feel they cannot brush their teeth adequately without using a whole tube of toothpaste and getting it everywhere BUT their mouths). A wet pair of boys underwear, on the counter. Just a mess. Horrid mess. My poor baby mama, she is in the living room herding kids around and all she can hear is "why is there a wet sock on the counter?!" and "what were you doing with the toilet brush?!" and "why is there wet underwear on my counter?!". I bet she couldn't wait to run out of my house.
I decide I have had all I can take for the day so after my baby mama takes the kids (again, thank GOD for that woman!!) I take Pieface back to my bedroom so we can have a little nap. First of course, I have to check facebook, so I give her some oreos, tell her to eat them on the floor, and I start surfin the net. So I get all caught up in reading this blog and start laughing my ass off at this story about this woman's kids (because mine would NEVER do such things so it's funny to read such a fictional story) and then when I pause to take a breath from my cackling I realize, Pieface isn't sitting the floor eating oreos watching brain drain. So I call to her, because I didn't want to lose my spot in the blog...and then she comes running in all guilty looking. So of course, I have to investigate. I tell her to sit on my bed and wait while I go assess the damage. Oh, and what's even more awesome, hubs is on the webcam and now he can hear this whole thing. (Dear God, please don't let him be so afraid of what my children have just done that he decides maybe we should always stay married but live across the country from each other.)
As I go into the bathroom, I notice....Pieface didn't eat her stupid oreos...she made a damn science experiment of them. I couldn't tell at first if it was dirt, or cookie crumbs, she did THAT good of a job of smashing them up. Then she added water, from a cup, and made MUD in my clogged up sink. So I am yelling and being all beastly, then remember my hubs is on the webcam and might not think it's appropriate I yell such things with a 3 year old within earshot. In my defense, if it were HIS sink that were all clogged up like that, hell yes he would be saying all I did plus some. But since he's not here and I am, well I try to keep it to a minimum. So I come back to my bedroom and notice Pieface eating oreos on my bed. which has no sheet on it because it's in the laundry because of their last escapade in my bedroom. Laying on my naked bed are thousands of little oreo crumbs. Awesome. And my sheet still isn't dry. Even more awesome. Gosh I love today. So here I sit, in oreo crumbs, blogging. I'm doing it because Darlene told me to. I promise, in a few minutes I will clean off the bed, sweep up all the cookies off the floor and put a clean sheet on my bed. Until then, I'm gonna sit here and be a little perturbed if you don't mind.
I suppose I deserve it, I actually got to enjoy myself and the company of another adult today for twenty minutes. Bad, bad mommy for not having the world revolve around the kids for a minute!! Well it was totally worth all the mess to follow, plus the best part is, dillweed's kid did it, so I'm gonna make him fix it. My kids would NEVER do such a thing so they must have taken after him with that kind of behavior ;)
Oh, as my baby mama was leaving she gave me a mother's day gift. I told you, I effing LOVE that chick!! It was a piece of paper with my kids handprints on it, all four of them, and a quote. I'll leave you with this....because it's totally gonna make you fall in love with my baby mama, and NO you can't have her. She's MINE...all mine!!
"Whoever said many hands make light work didn't have kids" ~Baby Mama
See....told ya she's a keeper!!!
~JB
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