I want to be octo-mom

JB here. Okay I need to clarify, I don't wish I was THE octo-mom, just wish I was an octo-mom as in, I need 8 arms. I came up with this bright idea the other day, in the middle of the night I might add (I always seem to come up with BRILLIANT ideas in the middle of the night, and no, alcohol was not involved!). So this wonderful idea, I decided since surgery is looming in my near future and I'll be stuck in bed for about a month, I figured I would prepare for the future and do the once a month freezer cooking thing. What is this you ask? Oh, it's a way to make at least 2-3 days of your life living hell, only to find out that after you cook all this food to last you over a month, your freezer was already full of things to eat which require much less cooking than the healthy meals you have slaved over for days, such as pizza rolls.

So you also need to know I am obsessed with couponing. I love it. If I have to pay even 50% off the regular price I get upset, apparently I'm cheap (no comments from you Darlene!!). So thanks to these coupons which I love so much, my freezer is entirely full. I'm not kidding, I bought one package of bologna and couldn't find room for it in the freezer. Now, thanks to couponing, I have more food than any 5 households needs, and no room in my freezer for all this food which I thought would be so fun to make. Stupid stupid me.

Here I sit on my kitchen floor, why you ask? Because I am hiding from the 20lbs of raw chicken sitting on my counter waiting to be cooked. No joke. I am an idiot. If you didn't know that by now, now you know, I am an idiot. Oh and as if all the 10 pounds of chicken and 10 lbs of hamburger I had in my freezer last night wasn't enough, I went out and bought more to double that tally, which brings me to this stupid mess of having 20 lbs of dead bird laying on my counter. Yes, stupid, I know. I also read that it's smart to buy a whole chicken, and as luck would have it they were on sale, so I bought 3. Yes, THREE! Again, I know...no need to remind me of my stupidity, I sit surrounded by it as I write.

Now this whole chicken, it's quite disgusting and one would think I would remember my Thanksgiving incident where I decided to cook my first turkey ever. As soon as it came time to touch it and pick it up, I freaked and screamed. Thanks to Thanksgiving my children are deathly afraid of poultry. Oh, but I did learn SOMETHING from that turkey experience!! I cooked it with that bag of garbage inside, you know, the crap that no one wants to eat but they shove it up the turkeys...you know....and sell it. STUPID! Even worse idea than my freezer cooking one if you ask me!

Now being the smart woman I am, I remember to take out the bag of garbage inside the chicken. Which the entire time I keep wondering if anyone had something against this chicken, maybe it was warned one too many times "if you don't stop pecking me I'm going to break your neck and stuff it up your @$$" so I am giggling enjoying my time trying to figure out how to get this chickens guts out of it without losing what little I have left of my sanity. So I am in the kitchen on the webcam with my hubs, trying to keep my cool when I realize how disgusting this raw bird is. I try not to scream so hubby won't know what a little girl I am, and run from the sink to the pot with this naked thing, acting like nothing is wrong. As soon as I put it in the pot, I look down at the bird and realize, it looked like a skinned cat. Now, I am no animal lover by any means but I would be most partial to cats. If this bird looked like a skinned dog...whatever, boil the little beast ;) But it looked to me like a skinned cat and I figured maybe if I flipped it over, it would look less disgusting. Being the brave woman I am, I screamed as loudly as I could while flopping it over. I'm sure the hubs was quite impressed.

Anyway, after this whole naked poultry fiasco, I get down to business and start cooking this whole cow I have sitting on my counter. I decided to make 4 lasagnas, because I make "killer lasagna", at least according to my brother I do. Plus, I figure if I'm stuck in bed for a month its either that or lean cuisine, and I would rather eat a cardboard box than eat lean cuisine. Actually, I don't know if I were in a taste test and blindfolded if I could tell the difference between a cardboard box and lean cuisine.

So I managed to make my 4 lasagnas, the whole while chasing kids out of the kitchen and tripping over the bags of food that are sitting in the middle of the floor because my pantry and fridge and freezer are full up. Yes, I knew they were full before I went to the grocery store, I am just that stupid and assumed an empty cupboard would appear out of thin air. I was wrong.

Well, I have not a clue what I was typing about, as I had to go yell at a kid to "PUT DOWN THAT STICK AND GET IN THE HOUSE" and then had to run hide as I noticed all kinds of people out in their yards and after all, it is Mother's day, I am not allowed to be beastly and loud today, that should be reserved for days when we aren't celebrating the joys of motherhood.

Okay back to the lasagna. Not only do I not want to eat this damn lasagna I made, I never want to see one again for as long as I live. I hate myself for being so stupid and thinking this was a great idea. I hate my kitchen for being so small. I hate my freezer for being full. Most of all, I hate this kitchen floor....my @$$ is falling asleep and I'm afraid if I leave the kitchen I'll forget about the whole chicken farm laying on my counter and waste enough food to feed a small country for at least 3 years. Maybe i'm exaggerating, maybe it would only feed them for a year, but STILL ;)

So my husband now thinks I'm crazy. Last night he was singing my praises on what a domestic goddess I am for taking on such a task, and now he is saying I'm weird. I think mainly he is telling me that because I am sitting on the floor typing away and rocking myself. In my defense, if you had just had the poultry experience I did, you would probably be rocking yourself too!! He actually thought I was singing because I had muted the webcam and was yelling at the UP's to get out of the kitchen and clean up their mess in the living room. FYI: yogurt + smashed up goldfish crackers + unsupervised ungrateful punks = DISASTER. That's your math lesson for today.

Well I suppose I should go do something with all these nasty, naked birds I have laying around. If you don't hear from me again, one of them got me....either the kids or the chicken, both are likely culprits. Dear God save me from myself and my "bright" ideas!!!



~JB