Things I understand now..

The older I get.. or my children I should say.. the more I understand certain things about my parents, that I never really understood growing up.

I've had issues sleeping for years. It's only been recently I think I understand what part of my problem is.

My father's side is showing.

Almost daily I am up no later then 5:30-5:45am. For no reason. I do not need to be up until 8am. But, I can never sleep later, no matter how late I stay up.. or what I do while staying up late ;) .. or how drunk I get.

I'm up.

I've always been an "I'm up I'M UP" kinda person.. There is no rolling over and going back to sleep. I am awake.. the day shall begin!

As a child I could easily roll over and say screw it. My Dad however, was always up around 4am. Having tea. I swear every day of every school year that we lived within close proximity of his sister/my Aunt.. Marlene, I would wake up at 7:30 and that woman would be sitting at the table having tea.. with my Dad.. in silence.

I use to shake my head and think they were both retarded.

My dad use to come home from work and sleep on the couch. Why?? Well hell he was up at 4am! Made no sense to me.. on days he coached hockey or soccor and couldn't nap.. he was still up at 4am. Mom said they never set an alarm.

I'm going to be 40 this year. My Mom is 62. My Dad.. he passed away...at 58. I've already succombed to the fact that I have turned partly into my Mom.. which is ok with me cause no looking back.. she was and still is the greatest human being I know. I look forward to the day my kids feel that way about me...

I woke up the other morning at 4am. I was up. I didn't have to pee.. but I was up.

I quietly slipped out of bed and made my way down the stairs to pay homage to my morning God .. "coffee maker". As I stood there yawning.. wondering wth I was doing up and why couldn't I just TRY to go back to sleep.. I convinced myself it was too late now.. I was making coffee..and I hate things getting wasted.

I sat down at my computer and loaded thestar.com newspaper. I stared blankly at the screen as my eyes focussed to the brightness..and coffee was ready.

Returning to my computer with a hot cup of fake energy.. I sat down once again and focussed. I read the newspaper.. and a few others.. played some games.. checked email.

In the middle of all this. It hit me.

This.. is.. beauty.

This.. is.. peace.

This.. is.. why dad got up so early every freaking day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I understand the nap thing too.. man I sure coulda used one and I didn't work all day!

But, I got it. Between his job.. us kids.. being a husband,, working on our cars,, coaching soccor and hockey.. attending my jazz recitals.. he had no time to himself.

To regroup. Re-energize.

Waking up at 4:00am allowed him that.

I began to notice things I am able to block out through the day. No sound coming from the kids computer (located next to mine). No tv. No nickjr.com or clubpenquin.com running on the King's computer (as does ALL while he's at work). No dog making noise, whining for someone to hold the bowl so he can drink. No sound of clicking from anyone's keyboard.. dishes clattering.. ceiling fans flying.

Nothing. Just the minimal noise I made sucking on my coffee like I need it to save my life.. and the occassional clickity click of my mouse.

I found heaven. I found myself able to read a whole news article without Hitler demanding something.. or a teen wanting something.. or a few fighting.

Me time. In my own home. Peacefully. I don't have to worry about the kids.. I know where they are. The day starts off beautifully..

then around 8:30 gradually they started descending the stairs. Rubbing eyes and complaining how tired they are.. how hungry they are.. "when i'm done eating can I go..".... within seconds they managed to set Hitler off into a tone deafening scream.. followed by another..and one more for good measure.

Yes.. the day has begun.

Maybe not quite as beautifully as I thought.

Plan A Mom, there is no Plan B

I had a conversation with K.S last night. There is no descriptive word before the word "conversation" because.. none exists. I can't say it was interesting, or informative, or funny, or sad, or serious.. I'm sure you catch my meaning. K.S should be graduating this year, and still could possibly... possibly...

So, I thought I would try to have a serious "son we need to talk about your future" kinda conversation with him.

Never.again.

In short, his life WILL go as follows .. no interruptions .. nothing to CHANGE ANYTHING at all. This is how he perceives his life to be in the next..5-6 years.

1st. He will be a professional skateboarder and make 100k a year.

2nd. He will take business management course in college (3 yrs).

3rd. 2-3 years after he graduates from college, with a degree in business management as well as being a professional skateboarder... he will DRESS NICE (he heavily emphasized this to me several times, I'm *assuming* it is a vital thing for this portion of his aspirations). . go into the bank, get a loan for 200-300 THOUSAND dollars.. buy some land, build his own skateshop, and walk around talking to customers all day.

:|

I took a nice long look at this being that once housed himself inside of me.. wondering.. how did he get to be so simple.

So.. I did what any good mother would do. I said "THAT IS THE MOST RIDICULOUS THING I'VE HEARD".. I went on to explain that it's great to have dreams and all these aspirations, and do follow them through, but don't you think you should think about, I dunno, scholarships? possibly earning some money, again I reminded him many farmers around here pay good for people to help them. I tried to explain to him that you can't just graduate collage and within 2-3 years get a loan for a few hundred k...

I said "son, don't you think you should have a plan b? have you researched business management? do you know what you need to do to acquire the diploma? What kind of work are you looking to get into?

His reply summed it all up in 2 words.......... "anything skateboarding"

:|

I tried again to approach the plan b idea..again he shot me down while heading up the stairs loudly expressing

THERE IS NO PLAN B MOM.. PLAN A. NOTHING WILL GO WRONG NO ACCIDENTS OR GIRLS HAVIN BABIES.. NOTHING.. PLAN A.. NO PLAN B

He's never leaving home is he........

Where we've been & what the hell we been up to..

Well, long time no write. Darlene here.. I don't even know where to begin. So, let's just get to the quick (or not so quick) update stuff.

Last we all heard from Jonna was pretty much her boasting about her FREAKIN baby momma .. and no.. she still hasn't gotten me 1 :(.

Well, I am happy to announce that after knowing Jonna online for several years, on the telephone for most of those. We finally got the chance to hang out and chat and have a great time!! How so you ask??? WELL.. as it turns out. Jonna's darling other half is a teacher here in Arizona. Neither Jonna nor I did very well in geography.. we had no clue where one place was from another. After said better 1/2 got them a house.. and Jonna got the ok from her Dr to move.. she FINALLY got to join her husband and journey on their new life together (is that too ..sappy?). ANYWAYS ON TO THE GOOD STUFF.. as it turned out they moved ONLY 40 MINS FROM ME!!!. It's been awesome. We get to bitch about men & kids online AND IN PERSON NOW!!! That his how much we love them.. even though we are enjoying our time together and having coffee.. they seem to be the center of our thoughts as well as conversation.

For the past few weeks Jonna has made me get out of bed at Christ's hour (5am) on a SATURDAY.. to go yard saling.. most times I love it.. other times I just get pissed off I put together this huge ass list of sales.. we go.. like 3 tables.. of clothes.. or shit that I have no idea what it is or what the pluck you do with it. once I thought I saw a vibrator... creepy.

Jonna had a whole house she had to furnish. There was no way for her to get all her stuff here and do so cost efficiently. So we had a great time bargaining.. we went to the GoodWill (umm perfect mommy.. you should prolly skip this entire entry). we got some amazing books and Goodwill was having a 50% off sale IT WAS HEAVENLY!!!

Then.. I dared to bring up the almighty.. lord of evil... brain surging... C.A.S.I.N.O. Would you believe she had me up at 5am and we were sitting at a slot machine pressing buttons like mad morons by 5:30 am.. some crazy stuff!! Had a blast! Plus, the casino was quiet.. still ppl there. . we pretty much had our choice of machines, the penny slots are my personal favorites and I managed to get Jonna hooked on those too :). I lost.. she won.. worked out great!

To our 6 followers, we are sorry we have neglected our blog. I managed to field 17 phone calls from the school in the first 10 days.. all having to do with........who else... K.S. Hitler has been sick 3 times with the same damn thing (wth?).. I was beginning to wonder if it would ever leave the house.

The teens became facebook freaks.. I have a great time threatening to delete their facebook accounts.. I have BusyBee convinced I have a key-logger on there and know her password as well as everything she types.. lotta confessions came flying out after I fed her that bit of information... thank God nothing serious.

So now the kids are in school. It's me/hitler/and obbie most of everyday. Yeah.. we got rid of the yorkie.. it just wasn't working out well.

Well.. I'm off. I promise more love and attention will come :)

Peace

1's good... 2's better..

In the parent handbook in my mind, there is NO mention of the fact when that 13th birthday rolls around.. your kids... change.. I mean RIGHT ON the birthday.

My sweet busy busy but whines.like.she.gets.paid.to Emily.. turned 13 in May. SOMETHING in her body released an unstable amount of hormones and she's literally... boy crazy!

It being summer and all I allowed her to spend a few days with her best friend who lives in the subdivision we just moved from. Busybody aka Emily has known said friend since we moved to Arizona.. while there she managed to pick herself up a COUPLE of boyfriends whom we'll refer to as A1 and A2 since both their names start with "a" i wonder if this is and indication she just plans to go down the alphabet... 2 at a time maybe??

So, upon returning home from the 4 day stay with her bff.. she informs me of her bf's. BOTH.

It was, needless to say, an interesting conversation.

BB: so mom i got 2 boyfriends! (like jb and her cooking fest...bb makes this sound like some sort of olympic sport she's practicing for)

Me: umm why 2? and do they know about each other?

BB: No, see A1 asked me out before and dumped me after 2 days. Then he asked me out again and dumped me after 3 days. So, I figure this time he'll dump me after 4 days... I'll have A2.

Me: ok, and what if they find out about each other?

Suddenly she gets this "hmm I never thought of that" look on her face.. and gives me the brilliant reply of..

BB: umm i dunno


Me: don't you think you should just pick one and keep him?


BB: maybe... but which one? I mean A1 and I make better friends and when we break up we'll still be friends. I reallly like A2.


Me: ok.. so dump A1 before he dumps ur arse


BB: ok! (so she hops on facebook to dump A1... ahh the internet is wonderful you don't have to face'm or look at them or listen to them as you end it... )

10 mins. later.

BB: OMG MOM A1 IS MAD AT ME NOW THANKS!!!!! OMG... stupid boys...

Me: he'll get over it

BB: I know he'll want me back in a few minutes (I'm givin that deer in the headlights look)

5 mins. later

BB: ok A1 and I are going back out, if A2 finds out...well he 2x's too so it's ok I do (yes teenage logic is so....awesome)

Me: Emily, no one needs to 2 b/f's or 2 husbands... 1 is good... sometimes that's too much

BB: (looks at me grinning) ya, but 2's better Mom!!!!!


So there you have it. I agree sometimes 2 of something is awesome.. like 2 bottles of wine! But, there are somethings a person should only have 1 of... definitely spouse falls in this category in my opinion... or b/f...

cept for BB.. cause 2's better

Ramble #1

I like to ramble... or bitch.. depends on how you see it I guess. (I think I forgot to mention it's Darlene here)

I noticed NO ONE, I really mean JB, has updated the blog recently. Now, we all already know JB has major surgery in just a few days and the ungrateful punks I'm sure have been keeping her busy. Not to mention SHE'S FINALLY MOVING IN W/HER HUSBAND OF ALMOST 6 MONTHS..in July. So needless to say she just got real busy packing because .. she CAN'T do that for weeks after the surgery and well.. she don't have weeks.. woohooo I'm so happy for you Jonna!

There are OR could be a few reasons I haven't updated...

#1. I've nothing to say (never happen)

#2. I've just been to busy (I'm a sahm surely I can find 10 mins for this thing)

#3. I spend a lot of time working on www.egyptiancash.com adding/removing offers for my awesome members (lies lies... you so this approx. every other day...they are awesome members though)

#4. The fpc's (future possible criminals = my kids) & the convict (my son) haven't really given me much to post about (that is bs too... I just need to start carrying a notepad).

#5. I haven't felt like writing (this too is another load of crap cause I have a journal I write in almost daily!)

Those are the only reasons I can possibly come up with. I could blame housework but that'd just be another lie ontop of the top 5.. well hell what's 1 more

#6. Housework keeps me busy (yeah right..this is done about 2-3 days a week TOPS)

It's almost 1pm where I live and I'm sitting at my computer sucking back coffee like I need it to survive (i need it so the OTHERS survive).. in my pj's... trying to explain why I haven't blogged.. better yet I can't wait til Jonna explains why she hasnt! damn woman f.a.t.

So now I must go, get Hitler changed... the King has to take the convict to the police station to report (has to do this within 10 days of release).... I'm pretty sure he won't get out the door without her this time since he already managed to do so 1ce today while we had a slight breakdown (hitler did.. not me.. mine usually occur later in the day).

I do have to do some housework ewwwww today.. maybe I'll command the children to bringth their laundry and I'll get mine and call it a day!

Sounds like a plan....

Darlene.is.OUT

Praying for JB.. and all that I am

2 entries from me in a day you know it HAS to be important.

I'm asking for... actually begging for prayers for our dear JB. She has not only survived a stillborn daughter's arrival.. and found herself single there shortly after. She has survived being a single mom of 4... since before I met her... about 5 years ago. Fast forward.. she re-met a man she knew in highschool and they married this past December. He lives in AZ (as do i..NOT WITH HIM THO I HAVE ONE I DONT WANT/NEED 2). She lives in Illinois. Why you ask? Well he's a teacher and also the bread winner he can't just quit his job and fly off to never neverland with the FAR FROM tinkerbell Jb. JB has some stupid ass clause in her divorce .. she has to have the ex's ok to move outta state. So toss that in bowl and stir 3 times saying "poor jb poor jb what an idiot" ... yes ..3 times.
Recently my sweetheart of a best friend who ALWAYS makes me laff (*note to self.. never attend a serious event such as a funeral with JB). Is actively fighting cervical cancer. She has to have a complete hysterectomy and she's barely in the 30's. She's ok with this trust me. She knows she has her hands full with u.p's and the last thing she needs to is to get pregnant and in worse case scenerio.. another still born due to the complications. So, she's been under state insurance for her and he kids combined their income is way below poverty level .

Her surgery is scheduled for June 1st. Her mom will be arriving shortly thereafter. JB has been knocking herself seneless running errands/tying up loose ends/making arrangements for the kids prior to/during/post surgery. Let's not forget the dead farm on her kitchen counter top (IS IT STILL THERE JB????????????)

My prayers are with you my friend. You know I'm always there for you anytime. Hell we go months not speaking then talk nonstop forever and ever.. we just know each other that well hun, and you bring out the wild Canadian in me.. GO CANADA!!

I love you with all my heart JB and my prayers are with you during your surgery please txt or something as soon as you can and I can update the blog.. we miss you... all 6 of us :) 8 if you include my 2 daughters who've yet to become followers.... must me time to threaten to take something aw...rrr talk to them.

I love you JB, no place I'd rather be right now then helping you out with u.p's.

OK that's SORTA true.. I'd rather be on some exotic island w/depp servin my mai tai's naked offering to stir them for me..... OooO

-Part 2-

My angel pie Hitler and I take hands and gallantly flaunt our way up to the top of the stairs while she's chanting "I'm going to take a b-a-t-h". Yes spelling is wonderful NOT.

After her using the potty and washing her hands and brushing her teeth she hops in the tub. It's not hair washing night so she got some bubbles.

Then I heard her say

"hey bath lady..." I stopped what I was doing..... which was changing into some pj's. So there I am 1/2 naked looking at this child 1/2 my size calling be "bath lady"

What did you just call me? I asked her
"bath lady".. simple as that Mom dontchya get it

So after Hitler had announce she was pruny enough and felt it was time to get out of the tub.. I...the bath lady... had been teaching her to dry herself so passed her the towel and said "start drying while mommy rinses the tub"

Then it came again.

"you're not mommy you're the bath lady".

I do not have a frunking clue why such a childish retarded moronic meaningless sentence is causing me to think like im Sigumd Frued or some shit.

Tub rinsed. Kid dried. Wrap her in a towel and give her the pj's she's refused to take off for 2 days now (sometimes baths ARE pointless)..and told her to go find q.s and get her to dress her.

That was an hour ago and I haven't seen either since. So that means they've escaped or are rockin' on in sarah's room and judging by the crap that I *think* *might* be music coming out of Sarah's room I'm voting for the latter.

So, there I am. Alone for the first time since 1990 it feels like. . what am I doing? Pondering this bath lady thing is what I'm doing. It really pisses me off that a 4 yo can make me stop dead and my tracks and do a sudden out of nowhere unplanned life reflection.

So here it is.

I'm a daughter. No education required for this... tho there should be.

I'm a sister: Pretty simple... only girl I got it all

I'm a friend: I'm someone "someone" relies on. To talk to. To make their day much more brighter then what it is. Someone they can vent and threaten physical harm to the u.p or the f.p.c's.. and not worry cps will be on your doorstep in an hour.

I am a neice. Why is our Aunt's Uncle's think we don't grow up no matter how many children we've had or how many marriages have failed and what # we're on.. they still make those stupid comments.. you know the ones you thought were funny when u were like 5? Let's not even talk about the cheek pinching or the hugs that never end. You stink. Try not to touch me and if you have to .. make it fast.

I am a cousin: Require nothing from me except the same thing their giving me right now, sympathy, in regards to raising teens..... Go Debbie! I'm on YOUR team!

I am an enemy: Sometimes this one's fun dude!

I am...a Mother: I take care of my offspring. Feed them/clothe them..and love them when my mind is telling me otherwise.

This career choice opens the door wider for more UNPAID career options... and no you don't get to choose what you be.. this is what you WILL be if you're not already.

1. Child Counsellor: yes I hear how Alicia broke up with Dylan after 3 weeks OMG MOM!

2. Paediatrician: I share this payless carreer with the king. We examine/diagnose/treat/cure..sounds like I SHOULD BE GETTIN FREAKIN PAID HERE!

3. Teen Doctor: No honey that's not a cold sore it's a pimple. *screeeams*

4. Referree: ok this one really only applies if you have more then 1 child. If you have to referee your 1 child when their alone I strongly advise you seek counselling or a dr... I am avaialble and qualifed as u see from 1 & 2 above.

5. Teacher: I spend quite a bit of time doing puzzle *same damn puzzle* drawing writing out letter and numbers and teaching hitler to pronouce words. Helping the older ones when i can..which isn't often but still.. I DONT GET 2 PAID MONTHS OFF A YEAR.. hell I get NO paid time.

6. Confidente: That is what you become to your teen. It's borderline friend. It's not cool to be "friends" with your mom but if the bond in there you become the Confidente, they trust you, they tell on others, and themselves before they've realized they done it. Kinda partial to this carreer.

7. Artist: Where the hell do these teachers come up w/these bs projects anyways. 500 word essay.. done. Now I find I HAVE to be creative when it was never something that interested me. This is to me a negative in the career line and as often as I can I pass it to the King.

8. I am a Maid: Don't they get paid like good? I made .10 last week in the washer if that counts.

9. Garderner: Yup I take care of the 5 house plants. Only 5 you say? Yes, only 5, I have 3 potential criminal and a convict living here w/2 damn dogs I have 0 time for gardening *real gardening

10. I am a wife. This career I chose. I wouldn't give it up for anything in the world. Just as I wouldn't give up being a mom, but like every other job in this world there are vacations, days off, breaks, possibly bonus, vacation pay...

none of that comes when you make the choice to be a mother. What's even more ironic is non of this bullshit comes with a manual/or book of any damn kind..YOU.ARE.ON.YOU'RE.OWN.

But, I HEAR nothing is more rewarding then when they grow up to be good good people. Guess I'll get back to ya on that~

-Darlene

Just call me ................WARDEN

Darlene reporting for duty since Jonna seems MIA OMG! Needless to say the past few days have been crazzzzy.

We had to have our lawyer call immigration to arrange the release of the convict. Against my wishes there is no curfew.. nor has he been placed under anyone's care.. he's been released on "his own recognizance". SO.NOT.YAY

So, as soon as he comes in he has to stuff his face.. apparently you are NOT fed well in holding! He claims he got "a roll" and "wet peanut butter".. I smiled inside and said out loud "No place like home huh!" I so could not resist.

You have to understand though the king is VERY old fashioned...deep down in that big ol hard heart of his.. is a spot of compassion that only us he loves dearly can find.. and touch.

He bought the idiot subway on the way home from retrieving him from crowbar hotel. How nice! What IS the record time for eating a foot long? Cause I really think the convict beat it and I'd bet my ass he didn't even taste it.

So now, the convict has been home about 15 mins shoved his pie-hole and filled himself to the base of his neck... wanders on upstairs to his OH.MY.GOD.MOM.WHAT.THE.HELL.DID.YOU.DO.TO.MY.ROOM... room. I cleaned it :). Boy did I clean it good. There is NOWHERE that kid can stash a thing that I won't be able to locate in a matter of minutes. He had boxes on top of his closet that I've gone through and thrown most of out.. candy wrappers/plastic deodorant lids, real popular for putting his smokes out in... anything I found I felt wasn't a necessity..got tossed... gone good-bye.

The RAGE hits.

I head up the stairs to explain myself and am faced with a PISSED.OFF 18 yo who's suddenly out of left field has it made up in his simple mind that his time in jail.. gettin caught.. the whole thing was MY fault. He has no issues screaming this to me at this top of his face.

I had no issues slapping his face either.

HARD!

He stormed off to his friends house. Didn't return until near bedtime. I also wanna note that though it took me a massive 2 1/2 hours to beautify his room... it looked like a cyclone hit it in under 30 seconds.. i swear to the Lord above my this is a GIFT.

Now while the boy was gone in his rage to his buddy's house. Q.S returns promptly from school. I open the door as the beloved teacup chihuahua escapes "THERE HE GOES!" I say in my best "racer" voice. Now, normally Q.S would run out in all her glory not giving a rats ass if her hair is perfect or if her eyeliner and mascara are running or if high hells are really a good thing to run in!. Not today. Nope. She prances upstairs to change and get all horrified. (this is a daily ritual..she goes upstairs looking radiant and coming down like somone attacked her somewhere inbetween).

Hours pass.. no obbie. Tears start flowing all over the place. Signs get made/copied/prayers prayed like never before. Hours pass.. no obbie. We walk and walk and drive and walk and still.. no obbie.

Determined to be the all mighty savior to our achingly missing dog hearts.. I attack craigslist like...well the convict attacked the foot long sub really.. found us a purebred yorkie for 400.00. What a deal!! Call the woman, she didn't want to make "hold" arrangements over the over but didn't really want us to come out at that time of night (9pm.. not late u hold hag). After spending a few moments explaining what had happened.. she agreed to let us come take a look at "Frankie".. now how many ppl are going to drive for 30 mins to look at a dog if they were'nt PRETTY SURE they were gonna get it. Armed with cash we pulled up and the king was in love (not with the old lady). Cash exchanged hands.. so did the dog... and we were no longer dogless!! WOOOT I'm a goddess...

Next afternoon: Ring ring goes the phone. Woman 1 street over has obbie. She seen our signs and called. She returned him right away to us with notification she took it upon herself to take the dog to the vet to make sure he was ok. 40.00 for pain meds for his leg.. he needs surgery on another paw.. and one of his testicles didnt come down so he needs surgery for that (ahmm yeah that's one I NEVER wouldv'e known). Thanks for my dog!!!!!!!!! Though seriously I think you brought him back sicker then when he left he never had all that wrong and now he's puking...wtf did you feed him? Can I have the few extra bucks we gave you...back to clean the carpet?.


So then the decision had to be made.. what do we do with "Frankie". Now I'm not crazy about him..but he IS a good dog. He and obbie are having a time adjusting to each other but luckily there hasn't been any doggie fights to break up yet.

The king expressed his strong desire to keep Frankie and rename him Oscar. Hence.. the king has spoken.
So now, Obbie sleeps in his crate at night. Oscar sleeps on our bed between King's feet (of all places).

Now I have my beloved convict home who when he's made at me says he doesn't feel like calling me mom... I tell him warden works well.

I feel a bottle of wine coming my way....

Bring my boy home!!!!!

As much as I hate to say this, I had an amazing sleep last night. Guess when you know all your children are safe..alive...rooves over their head.. suddenly what more can your mental mother ask for? Nothing.. life is ok. FOR.NOW

I woke up this morning in a time warp. Suddenly everywhere I looked I seen my little man. My only boy.. chasin ants w/no diapers on and happy as a pig in shit when he caught one. The blonde hair, deep brown i-got-mommys-eyes... sweetest little mole on his cheek you ever seen, sometimes it makes me wanna call him John-Boy. Then I warp back. My boy is in JAIL. Is he ok? Is he eating, do they really eat that well there?? Is he sleeping... my gawd I'm sure he's been in the same underwear since he left I swear i washed every pair the imp owned on Sunday.

The King was long gone to the courthouse for the slated "bond" hearing.

I really don't recall what happened to me. I mean I called him.. I felt normal.. suddenly this over protective creature jumped out of my face and roared at the King:

YOU TURN THAT VAN AROUND AND GO GET MY SON DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME? GET.MY.SON!!!!

King: ah.. ok.

Few hours later I've had the needed amount of caffeine to legally start thinking.. I call the king back and try to be a bit nicer.

It happened again. OMG HOW DID THIS HAPPEN TWICE IN A DAY??? Things came outta my face that my mind thought of AFTER. Apparently.. not enough caffeine to be using the phone.

Hours pass................ hours........... I begin to call the King and get his voicemail immediately, for like an hour. I got so pissed I told myself when he gets home I am SMASHING his cell phone. It's only AFTER the King gets home he informs me he txt my cell to let me know he was in court w/the convict and had to shut his phone off. GREAT MAKE ME LOOK LIKE THE ASS CAUSE I DUNNO WHERE IN HELL THAT CELL PHONE IS....thanks captain!

Bottom line is.. charges were deferred but King and convict have to meet with immigration in the morning.

I took a collect call from the convict... this is kinda how it went

RING RING

Me: Hello?

Phone: You have a 'collect call' from Maricopa County Jail...................." 3 mins later i finally get instructed to press 5 to accept.

I press 5.

Me; Hello?

Jeff: Mom why didn't you get me outta here today?

Me: We can't. You have to meet w/immigration we did manage to get the charges deferred, you'll be entering some angermanagement classes and such

Jeff: What I'm not gettin out today??????? (oh my poor boy is so so..............stu...simple)

Me: No.. tomorrow morning.. but have you learned anything?

Jeff: This your's and king's fault!

I think someone should knocked me out at that point I felt like I was hit hard enough

Me: Jeff I told you to leave Thursday.. you got arrested Sunday how in hell is that my fault?

Jeff: I want out of here mom I'm starving I want to come home to eat some food that's good.

Me: Are you not even the sightest bit sorry?

Jeff: Yes! I said I was 50 million times... get me outa of here.. let me talk to the king...

I pass the phone to the King shaking my head, listening to him have the same conversation with the boy he had this morning, I just had, he's having again.

He will take his punishment and deal with it whether he wants to or not. Doesn't matter to me he's 18.. he's my son.

I dont expect things to be smooth.. I actually anticapate them getting much worse. But he's my son,, I just want him home.

In the meantime, I do hope he learns something from this..even if he won't admit it.

Damn I love my convict.

The missing is no longer missing...or an fpc :(

DARLENE AGAIN, where the hell is jb have the u.p's got her hostage? or worse..her laptop hostage???????????

Needless to say these last few days I've been living every mother's nightmare.. not knowing where m 18yo son is after a rather large argument.

Mystery Solved!

I'm proud to announce he's no longer a fpc.. however deeply disappointed he joined the ranks of convicts. He got picked up in the backyard of the house we just moved from, for trespassing. Guess he likely been sleeping there and someone thought that was screwed up (wth so screwed up about that!) police were notified, the boy cuffed. Allowed 1 call.. he calls HOME. Has no idea where he is. He's got a bond hearing in the morning no idea where. Hubby can't seem to understand the phrase "call the police station any of them theyll tell u where his dumbass is, ask where and what time for bond hearings?" no.. he interrputed that to say "babe get online see what you can learn about every mother frunkin courthouse in this county".. I KNOW that's how he took it cause he proudly turns around and looks at me and says "from the information I can find, all bail and bond hearings everywhere start at 8:30am". I.DID.NOT.ASK.THAT.. NOW I'm left wondering if my husband is an idiot too... or like JB and I suspect. It's a gene, no researcher has found yet, but when they do my husband is volunterring for research!!!!!

So I'm a bag of emtions fuck it's almost like being pregnant, puking too I'm relieved to know where he is... to know he'll have food and he's safe...how much safer could be he really combined to a cubicle surrounded by cops.. thank you for keeping him safe like i prayed God, next time I'll try to be more specific... I won't have to wonder or worry tonight. Hubby said when he talked to him K.S said "'what do i do???" .. he said I gave him the best advice I can. bhave, b respectful "yes sir, no sir"...like it's SUPPOSE to be at home.. make it happen there..then try to get use to it for all our sakes".

So I got think... well gawd damn it it took me 4 mins to come up with future possible criminals... now I got one... omg talk about jinxing ur own ass.... mine's small u'd think id' miss it ffs.

Now... do I refer to him has my "city owner" thinks he can go newhere do nething like he owns the place. Do I refer to him as my criminal... trespassing is hardly "hard core"...it's like jay walking..WHO'S NEVER TRESSPASSED??????????????????????? Everyone!!! Who gets caught?? Idiots like my son.

So I'm torn between King Shit and the convict. Depending on his attitude when he gets home we might stick with K.S.

So, tomorrow a.m we are off to court. We have to call the lawyer see if this affects his citizenship.. I'm already worn out thinking about it.

Thanks to all this bullshit I missed frunking House again... my gawd Hugh will just stop preforming for me if I don't stop. Thank Gawd the King understand my addiction and will have today show on my system in a few mins.....

So I'm gonna wait until it's done and put my head phones on and gaze at Hugh..

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Goin through the motions and Emotions...damn fpc's

You ever have one of those days where you just know... nothing matters you don't care if the house collapses around you or how much mess is made.. you're just kinda numb to it. Today is just one of those days.. and here are a few examples.

Hitler: can i blow my whittle loud? (that would b whistle for those that don't know 4 yo speak)

Me: I don't care. I'm sure I'll wind up deaf one day.... might as well be sooner or later.

Hitler: GIVES IT ALL SHE'S GOT

Me: loses hearing for approx 2.1 seconds.... best peace I ever had!

As I sit her ranting over that fact I don't give a rat's ass i can be proud of the fact that I tackled that breeding laundry like a cat burying shit on a tin roof. Let me tell you i still don't know how I managed to get it all done, dried , folded... FINALLY MY NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTION IS COMPLETE!!! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOT!! This sounds like Mr. Mist and I should hang out!

There's crap on the floor. Not crap crap but kid crap... toys, papers, markers. Yesterday I would've bent over like the good slave I am and picked them up and organized them nicely in her easel.. not today... step on'em.. sick of picking the bastards up I hope they break you why?? I.DON'T.CARE

I think that's why I'm currently home alone and have been for hours now. The king must have sensed the volcano was due to erupt today at no specific time and bailed w/hitler to the park and ice cream..and don't plan to b home til the teen gets home. I use to say teens... but I still don't know where my son is at...of if he's ok.

Needless to say nothing is getting done in here today..at least by me. I just want to make it through this day without erupting in one form or another.

i am on bitch'n mommy!

The UGLY side of parenting ... teenagers

Darlene bitchin' again,
I have to admit, as newborns they were PRETTY EASY to figure out.. now I'd sell my soul for a handbook or a directions thing.. some sort of manual. A.N.Y.T.H.I.N.G that will help me get a grip on them/my sanity and whatever else I need to grip!

My son changed drastically around his 18th birthday. Actually.. on it. I knew he wasn't the same boy the minute he opened up his birthday card from the only grandparent he has and only sees like once every 5 years...never *really* opened the card. Just let the cool $20.00 bill glide gracefully into the palm of his hand as he swiftly tucked it in his pocket rejoicing "sweeet" as he carelessly tosses the birthday card on the bed.

I am in shock. He's NEVER done this. He's always at least opened and read the card...or pretended to but either way he spent a "normal" amount of time "appearing" to be "reading/intaking" it's "loving" words from "my mother". Now it's like gum found on the bottom of a shoe.. tossed.

Me: ahh umm Jeff?.. Don't you think you should at least read the card?

Jeff: Not right now Mom I gotta go hook up w/my friends and go skateboarding.

Me: *shock #2* it's your birthday! are you not planning on spending the day here?

Jeff: Well, I didn't think I had to be here all day? Do I?

Me: It's your birthday.

Jeff: Cool, cya (gone before I could even find my wits never mind gather them)

Hence "the change" commenced... slowly down the road his report card starts proudly displaying a letter I haven't ever seen on any of their report cards.. not 1.. not 2.. not 3.. but 4 screaming effs!!!

As time moves on.. he gets ruder/nastier much much braver in the things he says. After hearing several times a week how much he hates being around us blah blah .. he moved out. (shock #3).

This my friend.. is the ugly side of parenting. It is 1 thing for your child to continue their education blossom into college.. maybe the dorm or an apartment. . or (God help you) if your child decides to camp it out longer to work and save money for their own place.. while attenting/or not .. attending school. I figure it won't be long and everyone can just take classes to be whatever online and I figure that's what my kids would do cause their just that lazy.. not to mention q.s has a t.v schedule she NEVER misses.

Back to the boy. He's been stealing money/cigarettes/food.. eating in his room when it's against the rules/smoking upstairs which is against the rules not to mention he seems to believe he can just come and go as he pleases and he dinner anytime he wants, doesn't matter if it's 11pm and the kitchen is clean he's going for a full course meal. If I DARE say anything he goes off how we don't want him eating blah blah....

Mother's Day Do-Over he eff'ed up. Hubby took them all to his work for 90 mins to play video games/bowl/eat etc while he held a meeting. 2x's my son makes the alarms go off cause he just HAS to open the emergency exit door....DID I SAY TWICE??????? OMFG can't you even behave at your Dad's work place? Yes he's the boss.. DOESN'T MEAN YOU ARE or that you can do what you want.
So by now even the girls are livid. As their getting in the van the K.S was laffin at his stupid azz self for what he did.. the King said "get in the van little boy"... K.S piped up BRAVELY FROM WAY IN THE BACK OF THE VAN "why do you be quiet little boy".

Silence... girls go off on him. The King said he was in a state of shock. He coudln't believe the boy spoke to him like that. Even if he's not his "father" he's been his Dad since he was 8 years old...wth is wrong with him? Didn't we teach him respect? (ahh the self reflection.. where did we go wrong.. well guess what.. sometimes IT ISN'T THE PARENTS FAULT...but more that of the company they keep). I have 0 control over who he hangs out with and where he goes. The cops nicely informed me of that... but also informed me I didn't have to keep him here. The boy is overdue for a life lesson...one where ur not showered with a swimming pool, ipods, tvs, computers, ds's, ps3 or 5's or wutever...

Upon entry..and hearing the above forementioned conversation, I commenced doing what *I* thought any reasonable parent would do. I asked him "why in hell he would talk to the King that way"... I really don't recall what happened after he said "im not gonna put up w/getin talked to like that i treat everyone in this house as im treat so there". I lost it. I told him to get his things together and get out. I came back with "btw.. if you ever think u can be decent/civil/respectful/honest/and NOT STEAL from me.. you're welcomed back but not until u can do all those things"

He slams the door with a roaring FUCK YOU.

Ahh.. that's my boy... a total asshole... *sigh* raised mostly among girls... let the self reflection commence.

I am a processor. I process everything, I say A LOT in the heat of the moment and more then one time have tucked my head between my legs and apologized to a good many people for things I've said or done... yes.. this includes but is not limited to family... like my very own children. So they were taught how to apologize as well.. and mean it.

I stare blankly at the door. .who the hell was that kid? I DID NOT raise him to be that way, or to talk to me or the King that way.

After a tearful phone call to my mother, she assured me there was nothing else I could do. I have given him chance after chance and he continues to break the rules or feel they don't apply to him. I'm limited by his age and the fact I don't trust him..as to how I can punish him. This frustrates the girls...their under 18 I can ground them. I can't him, he'll just up and leave anyways and come home when he wants eat leave again come home smoke in the shower go to bed and repeat the following day.

It's been 2 days. I've not heard a word. I don't know where he is.. or how he is. Though I'm sure he's fine... I hope. Mommy instinct tells me he's fine.. so does the occassional "sighting" kids in the neighborhood or the King or I are lucky enough.. it's usually how it goes. He doesn't seem to go "far".

This is the ugly side of parenting. The worry, the disrespect, you look at this person you taught to walk/potty/talk/draw/read/write...and now ur face to face with demon spawn.

I don't know what's taken over my son or how long it will last. I only pray that in the meantime he stays safe..... and I stay sane... and out of jail.

Who I was vs Who I wanted to be vs Who I am

Darlene whining here...

Let me simplify this. I have 5 earth angels and 1 in heaven (another blog... someday). I am a mother to 4 females and 1 male... he's still living. . so far.

I have seen the various stages of growing up in all 5 of my children. Today, of all horrid days, I decided it was time for some life reflection. After watching my newly turned 13 i'm sure has bigger boobs then me bounce happily in the door stuffing her face as she's unloading her day on me i.didn't.ask! As she's chirping along like she's some new bird that just discovered it's spring and boys, I couldn't help but reflect a few moments on "my days then".. and how very much like me she is... then the fear set it.

Just as I'm recovering from a near stroke the bigger-but-younger version of me might actually turn out like me... floating down the stairs comes q.s. IN all her beauty. She IS a beautiful girl, just high HIGH maintenance like abercrombie taste on a walmart budget. She sometimes pretends she don't know what walmart is. So here she is. Dolled up.. good time to mail her ass to gramma.. I'm going to stephanie's for work in the morning and we'll be going to the dirty heads from her house. I am STILL IN SHOCK over the name of this band.. not to mention that shit is all that hitler will sing now... my gawd bring.back.family.guy.theme.song!
But there she is. Hair perfect .. make up perfect. That was me once.. .back in... oh gawd...88? Again more boob then me (so nice of mom to skip a generaion-bitch-xo). She has on this tight top that says might as well say "everything i eat stops here"... and the skinny ass shorts I think Emily grew out of 8 years ago..... now.. let me try to pour my nowself into that.... just the image makes me shudder.

Then along comes Hitler. . with a huge ass flower in her air "do i look beautiful?" .. she wide eyedly asks me "of course you look mahhhvelous" ..in that oh.my.god.someone.is.killing.me scream NO I LOOK BEATEEBOWL".. me retreating to the nearest corner praying to god i haven't lost my hearing house is on on monday I can't learn lip reading that frunkin fast, "yes you look beauteebowl" "sanks" "your welcome".

I use to dictate like that. *sigh*

So I went up stairs to change my pyjammas to some clean pajamas.. cause I have no life.

I decided I would stand naked and look at myself in the mirror *note to self: NEVER DO THAT AGAIN* OK so the girls don't know what direction their suppose to be going anymore, I officially declared gravity and unnecessary substance and wondered if I'll ever have an ass again.

Then I smiled.

Doesn't matter how I look. Not to me. I know what my body has accomplished, now I watch them grow and develop their own traits,,,,, as well as carry on some of mine. So, essentially I will always live on.

In what I believe to be... the most beautiful people God ever helped me create, now just getting through the process of them actually being those people will leave me either senile/demented or dead.

God I love the future possible criminal's.

A Mother's Day Do-Over!!

The last few days I have been soo lazy, busy busy. Mother's Day was a near disaster, only saved by Daddy's strong persistence to keep Hitler happy (yet to hear of anyone that ever kept hitler happy). Monday he had to work and it was the dicatator and I.

I'm starting to believe SHE thinks I'm a yo-yo.. or some granted personal service maid:

Hitler: I need milk!
Me: What do you say?
Hitler: I need sumfin to eat too
Me: What do you say?
Hilter: I need miiiiiiiiiiiiiillllllllllllllkkkkkkkkkk for energy! so that's what's causing it!
Me: What do you say?
Hilter: (in her oh.my.god.someones.ripping.my.face.off.scream) I NEEEED MILK AND FOOOD!

I feed her I swear. She had only been up 90 mins blew through 4 glasses of milk a bowl of cereal a "butter butter butter" sanwich (ya..butter on bread), a banana, an container of applesauce.. now she's starving enough to roar like someone's taking a kidney!

What do I do? What would you do? I did what you prolly wouldn't have. I got up and got the stuff... yeah I know I know... PERSISTENCE... my raging headache told me to save it for another day.

Me: Kira I have a headache can you PULEASE NOT SCREAM
child places her hand to her forehead
Hitler: me tooo
Me: oh maybe we should lay down together then
Hitler: kiss my forehead
again no please, I kiss like a good slave mother instinct made outta me
Hitler: I don't need to lay down my headache is gone.
sweetly leans up to kiss my forehead
Hitler: Is your head bettur?
Me: No
Hilter: (SCREAMS) I GIVE UP!

Retreats whine-a-ly to the "soft" chair to sulk and laugh at spongebob, yellow pourous basta-, funny dude.

So, lets fast forward to Tuesday or I'll have to rename this "6-mile long" blog.

I woke up Tuesday morning barely able to hear the King & Hitler... that's waking up in heaven. I rolled over and fluttered my eyes and thought 'wut a beautiful day' words i will never utter again until i've been up ALL day. So the day was peaking to be beautiful. 3 kids in school, the King takes Hitler to the park/grocery store/and for ice cream

cost: whocares...
total time elapsed: 3 hours
peace mommy got=priceless

I seriously started hearing things in the house I've never heard before...THAT'S HOW QUIET IT WAS...suck on that J.b :). 2:30pm the King and Hitler had arrived, 2/3 come home from school... hell breaks out... words flying everywhere...if they were actually visible I think I coulda knocked a few of them out with a few!

Mother's Day night hubby took me to the casino which I blogged. What I didn't mention was king shit wasn't home when we were about to leave. He knows when we go out I like everyone in and to stay in... not like we go out weekly or anything. As we were leaving he came home. He had a couple retards friends waiting for him... hubby quickly scooted them along their way while I informed k.s that he was in for the night. 1/2 way to the casino the cell rings, his friends came to the door and he left w/them.... we arrive back in time for him to be walking in the back door..told us he was talking to his friends over the fence...he stomps off to his room. I notice a mother's day card unopened on my desk. I look at the king questionably... he said "from the kids".

I opened it.. beautiful card.. my son never signed it. I wish he had kicked me repeatedly in he head instead... if you're a mother you understand you can take that a lot better then something like this.

That was the end of that day and we used yesterday as a do-over and it was great. I got a few hours alone in the house to work on pogo badges or do whatever I wanted to. Hubby took care of dinner and tended to the never-ending needs of the dictator..

Today my Emily is 13. Though you make me crazy sweetheart, I couldn't ever imagine what it would be like without you. Welcome to your teenage years and may they be positive, fun, and memorable. Dad and I love you tons...

on that note... you got til saturday to clean ur room or you're not goin to Cassidy's.. love you xoxo..

She reads the blog, I hope she reads today if not, I'll just write the clean ur room on a piece of paper inside a birthday card I'll make her!! How is that for multi tasking/recycling/and saving!

Wooot!

My day is getting interesting.... I just may have another blog entry...

-Darlene

Just a little afterthought....

Is there a reason why after I blog about dillweed's sister in law and her fat ass that I see this ad posted below it? Now I feel like a jerk. Actually, I feel like clicking on the link and learning the trick so I can email her some advice. You know, only because I would like to repay...I mean thank her for all the rude thoughtful advice she has given me over the years. Oh well, off I go to eat my twinkies and take a nap ;)

~JB

Baby Mama Drama

JB here. Darlene ordered me to post a blog. Too bad she wasn't more specific in telling me WHAT to write. So I wandered around my house, making food, putting Pieface to bed, all confused because I felt nothing had even happened today worth writing about. I went into the bathroom to brush my teeth when I notice the sink is clogged (and filled with oreos but that isn't why it is clogged). This reminded me of the drama my baby mama and I had today because of the monsters I mean her/mine/our kids.

My baby mama and I have very little time to hang out. Dillweed keeps her on a tight leash as she is wicked hot and he is insanely jealous, like completely overboard jealous. Now I suppose first I should explain, she has given him no reason to be that way, he's just crazy. Second of all, baby mama has a knockout figure, and she has FIVE kids!! She has the body of an 18 yr old and the rack of Dolly Parton. I told dillweed I can't help but notice her huge rack, he said that did not help my case in getting to hang out with her. See...he is even jealous of women, he's THAT bad. Anyhow, so she's very hot and just a ton of fun to be around. It's actually been said that I get along with my baby mama better than she does with dillweed. That's to be expected, he's a jerkoff and he would make Mother Theresa curse and drink after 24 hours of living with him. Again, he's THAT bad.

Since dilweed is crazy jealous and never lets my baby mama out of the house, we choose to have coffee when he's at work. He can't say anything about that, what's he gonna do? Come home from work and check and make sure she isn't with me? Actually....he's done that. I have actually told her that if they split, she gets the visitation rights of the kids and he can kiss off ;) I do love this chick. Randomly she defies him and I force a drink or two down her and she stays till we finish of every last drop of alcohol in the house and then she goes home to face the wrath of dillweed. But it's worth every last minute of it. We have THAT much fun!

Our daily routine when the baby mama comes to get the kids goes like this: after she picks up her kids from school she drops off 3 of them and brings over the 2 who are the same ages as my oldest and who are also bff's and cannot live nor breathe without being around each other 24/7. Said kids walk in the house without ringing doorbell, thank God because the sound of the doorbell sends me instantly into a fit of rage, and besides, my hubs doesn't live with me yet so I don't care if people I LIKE just walk in the house. Let dillweed try it ONCE, and my baby mama will have a wife instead of a husband :) So once my baby mama comes into the house I go straight to the kitchen and either A. get her some coffee or B. get her a coke out of the fridge. Depending on the weather, that depends on the beverage. Then we immediately yell to the kids to behave while we go hide in the sun room (remember, the room built by idiots with birds pecking their way through the ceiling? Amazing the things mothers will do for some peace and quiet!)

Off we go to enjoy our silence. Okay, it's not silent, and the only thing enjoyable is sitting with another adult who completely 100% gets my insanity caused by my kids because she spends just as much, if not more, time with my kids than I do. With the exception of Pieface, who is not dillweeds spawn (thank GOD for that!!) although my baby mama is SO nice, that she babysits my little monster for me. Now how awesome is that? I flew to Phoenix to be with the hubs last month, guess who keeps Pieface as well as the other 3 monsters for me? Yup, you guessed it, my baby mama. She ROCKS! So we sit and commiserate on how my oldest daughter, whom I call prissy, because she is just SO PRISSY, lives in her own little world and should have been born a blonde. Or how my oldest is the apple of dillweed's eye and can do no wrong or how my youngest son's shriek is enough to derail trains. It's so much fun because she's basically living my life, except poor her, she's married to an ass. I won't tell her, because if she finds out, she might not be my baby mama anymore and I just can't bear to ruin this good thing we have going ;)

As we chat we are always interrupted SEVERAL times within a few minutes. The worst part of this "sunroom" is that the door doesn't open or shut very easily, so it's always a big pain in the arse to pull the door open and it creaks. When you shut this door, you have to SLAM it. Now imagine having to hear it rip open and slam shut several times in a short period of time. The only days it doesn't annoy me are the times when dillweed gives up on getting time with his wife and comes and gets all the kids and Pieface goes to bed and we have a big old winefest, and also a big old whinefest. It's awesome! We laugh our heads off and tell "secrets" that aren't really secrets, it's just a blast. We laugh over what an idiot dillweed is, because he really, really is just that stupid. It's just fun. By the time the night is over we have had too much to drink, we have shared a little too much personal information, and we have laughed enough we should wake up in the morning with killer abs.

Now always remember, on our boozefest nights, I only have Pieface who sleeps like a champ (sometimes she has been known to sleep until noon, don't hate me because I'm beautiful, hate me because my kid could sleep all day!) which means I get to sleep in. She, on the other hand, has to get up with EIGHT kids and get them ready for school and shove them off and head to work. So really, I am the ass in the whole situation because I am laying in bed in silence, texting with only one eye open while she is texting while out in broad daylight, wrangling EIGHT kids, sucking down coffee and madly searching for sunglasses. I always have to text her the next morning to assess the damage. Dillweed has control issues and isn't one to be letting his woman have a life. So his hot ass wife comes over to drink wine with me, he freaks out. He knows that I am not his biggest fan, and if she is pissed he is terribly afraid I will talk her into leaving him, and in his warped little mind, I'll talk her into leaving him to be with me. See?!?! Sick little bastard isn't he? Now you know why he's dillweed.

Anyhow, so I always have to find out how pissed off dillweed is, so I can be expecting mean texts asking me not to turn his wife into an alcoholic, etc. Normally she says dillweed (she doesn't call him dillweed, nor does she know I call him dillweed, thats just my own little "pet" name for the bastard) doesn't want us hanging out ever again blah blah, but after a few months he chills out and forgets and sends her on over again. Silly man. He thinks we talk about him all the time. I tell him that's so not true....but it totally is ;) He's an ass, she knows it, I know it, hell, HE knows it. So, it gives us lots to talk about. After a little while of us both bitchign about him we get bored and move on to normal things, like how much we can't stand his big mean witch of a sister in law.

I'm telling you, she's a witch, she has the warts on her face to prove it ;) She's one of THOSE women, who thinks she know it all, thinks she has it all, and talk behind everyone's backs. Just an all around BEAST and isn't a true friend to anyone. Like I really need to know that her best friend had a baby via in vitro but chose not to use her husband's sperm, rather chose an anonymous donor instead. Really? Sounds like a best friend I would love to have, one who can't ever keep her trap shut. Why don't you just rent a billboard honey? It saves the time and breath of spreading it around town to everyone, plus...you need that breath for the treadmill. Your stomach looks like you never actually gave birth 6 years ago, maybe you should see if there isn't one still left in there, maybe you are so large because a small toddler is hiding inside you. Forgive me, I'm a fat ass too...so I have no right. But she is just THAT mean....makes me wanna be mean right back.

See, we have lots of things to talk about. It's not always about dillweed, but yes, there isn't a time where we don't make fun of him at least once or say some comment he made which makes our eyes roll almost permanently into the backs of our heads. It's not ALL about him...but again, sometimes it is. Plus we talk about the kids too...it wouldn't be a mommy's night if we didn't spend some time complaining about our kids for crying out loud!

Anyway, I am so far off track I wonder if you even remember what I was writing about to begin with. I wonder if I even remember....oh yes. So the baby mama and I have our wonderful time together, until we hear an almost inhuman howl, it was horrible. Now you must also know, this "sunroom" has "french" doors. Really, it has one glass door and one pane of glass fixed to the house. It looks as if both sides should open, but it's jank, and it doesn't. So I can see into the house. Now for one moment I thought I saw her son drag my little boy into the other room, but thought the lack of alcoholic beverages was making me hallucinate, so I quickly dismissed the thought and kept on talking. Not 5 seconds later we hear the howl, so we run into the house only to notice her son grabbing his family jewels and screaming. My oldest son, the angel, informs us my youngest son (who apparently has chosen not to take after his "angelic" name he was given) had punched her son in the nuts. Those were in the words of my son. Awesome. Game over.

We decide that's all we can handle so we start herding the kids to get shoes on, basically I am yelling get the hell out because I've had all the noise I can take for the day. So I start my usual barking of orders: "pick up those wrappers" or "who had grapes? where did they even come from?" or "no son you cannot paint your nails put that away and go!". Knowing how well behaved my kids are, I decide to wander the house and do some damage control. My youngest son had tied a jump rope to the pull thing (I have not a clue what it's called) that turns on the ceiling fan, the kids had gotten a box of 100 cal snack packs and eaten them all and wrappers were everywhere, the girls had decided to have a "tea party" with water in the bedroom, but at least it wasn't a fashion show like last time, I'm STILL doing laundry because of that!! Everything seemed to be enough I could deal with, UNTIL I got to the bathroom.

Now, remember when I told you the bathroom sink was clogged? Well my oldest son comes running to me all proud announcing he unclogged the sink. When I ask why it was clogged he tells me that Prissy dropped a toothbrush down the drain (which I was supposed to believe because its like every day I drop my toothbrush and it totally falls down the drain...wth really?) and that my youngest son, we'll call him Bam Bam because he's huge and breaks everything, he says that Bam Bam shoved grapes and cheese down the drain to get the toothbrush out (yes because this makes total sense...exactly the method I would have chosen). When I ask how he unclogged the drain, he says "I plunged it with my toothbrush". WONDERFUL. So I look around the bathroom to get a full idea of what has just happened here. This is what I see: toilet brush out of its holder, laying on the floor. Wet sock laying on the counter. Toothbrushes, EVERYWHERE. Toothpaste, EVERYWHERE (granted it's always everywhere. Apparently my kids feel they cannot brush their teeth adequately without using a whole tube of toothpaste and getting it everywhere BUT their mouths). A wet pair of boys underwear, on the counter. Just a mess. Horrid mess. My poor baby mama, she is in the living room herding kids around and all she can hear is "why is there a wet sock on the counter?!" and "what were you doing with the toilet brush?!" and "why is there wet underwear on my counter?!". I bet she couldn't wait to run out of my house.

I decide I have had all I can take for the day so after my baby mama takes the kids (again, thank GOD for that woman!!) I take Pieface back to my bedroom so we can have a little nap. First of course, I have to check facebook, so I give her some oreos, tell her to eat them on the floor, and I start surfin the net. So I get all caught up in reading this blog and start laughing my ass off at this story about this woman's kids (because mine would NEVER do such things so it's funny to read such a fictional story) and then when I pause to take a breath from my cackling I realize, Pieface isn't sitting the floor eating oreos watching brain drain. So I call to her, because I didn't want to lose my spot in the blog...and then she comes running in all guilty looking. So of course, I have to investigate. I tell her to sit on my bed and wait while I go assess the damage. Oh, and what's even more awesome, hubs is on the webcam and now he can hear this whole thing. (Dear God, please don't let him be so afraid of what my children have just done that he decides maybe we should always stay married but live across the country from each other.)

As I go into the bathroom, I notice....Pieface didn't eat her stupid oreos...she made a damn science experiment of them. I couldn't tell at first if it was dirt, or cookie crumbs, she did THAT good of a job of smashing them up. Then she added water, from a cup, and made MUD in my clogged up sink. So I am yelling and being all beastly, then remember my hubs is on the webcam and might not think it's appropriate I yell such things with a 3 year old within earshot. In my defense, if it were HIS sink that were all clogged up like that, hell yes he would be saying all I did plus some. But since he's not here and I am, well I try to keep it to a minimum. So I come back to my bedroom and notice Pieface eating oreos on my bed. which has no sheet on it because it's in the laundry because of their last escapade in my bedroom. Laying on my naked bed are thousands of little oreo crumbs. Awesome. And my sheet still isn't dry. Even more awesome. Gosh I love today. So here I sit, in oreo crumbs, blogging. I'm doing it because Darlene told me to. I promise, in a few minutes I will clean off the bed, sweep up all the cookies off the floor and put a clean sheet on my bed. Until then, I'm gonna sit here and be a little perturbed if you don't mind.

I suppose I deserve it, I actually got to enjoy myself and the company of another adult today for twenty minutes. Bad, bad mommy for not having the world revolve around the kids for a minute!! Well it was totally worth all the mess to follow, plus the best part is, dillweed's kid did it, so I'm gonna make him fix it. My kids would NEVER do such a thing so they must have taken after him with that kind of behavior ;)

Oh, as my baby mama was leaving she gave me a mother's day gift. I told you, I effing LOVE that chick!! It was a piece of paper with my kids handprints on it, all four of them, and a quote. I'll leave you with this....because it's totally gonna make you fall in love with my baby mama, and NO you can't have her. She's MINE...all mine!!

"Whoever said many hands make light work didn't have kids" ~Baby Mama

See....told ya she's a keeper!!!



~JB

I just rant to hear myself... but *I* *DO* *LISTEN*

I swear to you and the Lord almighty above me that the next child that says "you don't understand.." are being mailed to ecquador... or some damn place far.

See there's stupid coming out of me again, them?????????? Ah hell Darlene pack ur suitcase and just go. Oh you know I.SO.WOULD!! If I wasn't afraid I'd come back to 3 months worth of what should only be a week laundry.

And before I go too much further you ppl have to understand I am not a tv person. I am too busy doing mommy stuff and or stuff on my web site http://www.egyptiancash.com .. either way, I'm busy. I do have however 1 weakenss. HUGH LORRIE. Yeah I never miss house EVER EVER EVER.

Then tonite happened.

Aside from waking up to Emily dying on the couch because she has cramps, the day wasn't bad. However, there were some epsidoes w/the boy last night (he's a whole other blog of his own).. I figured i was in for holy hell when he and q.s got home.

I was right. Too bad my buddy lora didn't kick in quick enough. I will never understand teenagers nor do I want to. I JUST WANT TO SURVIVE THEM that's all I want.

My son was so mad at me (for not offerin' him a smoke).. he refused to sign my mother's day card. I would never do that to my mother or anyone....I'll sign him a birthday card... he can admire it while he rest of the gifts are being opened by the others. Might sign his empty birthday card too......... if I'm happy/in a good mood.

I need to see and find some "Laudry De-breeder"... I've never seen anything like it, worse then rabbits.. just piles and piles and piles and yeah I get caught up I'm pretty good about that. . then I'll find about 3-4 more items SOMEONE was TOO LAZY to bring down. . at that point I wish I could throw said items out but we know what happens then,,,, 1st the meltdown ..2nd promise to buy another................................ you lose and lose again.

The king is working late tonite lucky bastard, poor guy. I'm in the mood to go out and I'm sure he'll say that's too late which he is right....damn man. On the upside he isn't working tomorrow so hope?... downright beg? anyone got statedy tips?? Already got my hair done.. just need to get dressed! :)

We've had a rule in this house that was put in place the day the oldest started school, you come home right after school no matter what... she's almost 20 now. This seriously by now should be imbedded in their brains, they should just know it and accept it and move on. Not mine. No, no no not mine. The following is a conversation between the Q.S and myself:

PHONE RINGS:

me: hello?

q.s: hi mom can i go to stephanie's after school?

me: u coming home first?

q.s: well itseasier if I just go from here

me: you know the rules

q.s: that's a stupid rule

me: are u saying im stupid? It's MY rule!!!

q.s: no ..... bye

click.

me: *staring wide eyed at the phone which is in dead silence* I love you too sweetie pie see when you get home.

No one listens. Why do I rant?? No one listens... my bood pressure goes sky high my head starts pounding... then a fight uptairs

MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMM
HITLER TOOK MY BRA AND PUT IT IN HER DRAWER AND WONT GIVE IT BACK. Just as I turn to look at my sweet dictator she's casually flaunting the bra chanting "I HAVE BOOBIES LIKE EMILY AND SAWAH I HAVE BOOBIES"

me: oh like mommy's too

hitler: no.. you'res are grosss

there you have it. House M.D.. shot out the window.. not even a thought :( I'm so sorry Hugh :(

-Darlene

My second "bright" idea in 48 hours....

JB here...Today has been a day from hell. I made my 5th trip in 3 days to the grocery store for MORE groceries because it seems I can't just write a list like a normal person. Apparently I like to just guess at what I might need and spend all my time/money racing back and forth to the store.

Now let me tell you why it is such a pain in the arse for me to go to the store. Number one: I have kids. It's never easy taking them anywhere, be it one or four, I hate taking them with me, this morning was no exception. I would rather take a bath in an alligator's mouth than take more than one child in public with me. Don't even ask me what I would rather do than take all four in public, you would be horrified, but not as horrified as I would be to take all those kids with me! Number two: I live in BFE, yes, it means what you think it does. I live 25 miles away from the damn store, so it costs me probably about ten bucks in gas to hop in the mommy mobile and run to the store and back, and even a "quick" trip takes at least 2 hours. Not to mention that living in farmville you may get stuck driving behind farmer joe in his john deere. Whoever made up the phrase "nothing runs like a deere" was an idiot. It insinuates that the bastard thing can go faster than 20 mph and that is just a flat out lie. Number three: I forgot my coupons. I hate going anywhere without my coupons. It makes me angry. I just know I'll find something on clearance that I had a coupon for and could have had said item for free. So I was just crabby all around this morning.

So last night I made a note ( a MENTAL note that is) of what I needed from the store and decided to keep my youngest son home from school so I would have time to run all my errands and not have to worry about getting him off the bus. I don't know how many times I have asked my friends to please remind me keeping him home from school is NEVER a good idea, yet I forget and do it anyway. Today was no exception to that rule, it sucked. I love having my little boy around, he's great fun, however....he and Pieface HATE each other! I cannot stand those two together yet they are the combination of kids I almost always have. It's so hard not to freak out in public while those two yell "STOP GABE" and "MOM SHE'S LOOKING AT ME, TELL HER TO STOP LOOKING AT ME" oh and my most favorite "MOM GABE'S SITTING BY ME!!" like where would you prefer him to sit? On the luggage rack on the roof? I don't dare ask, I know she would say yes.

So I take off with my two babies thinking today was going to be a wonderful day. I should have known today would suck. I mean, come on, it's a Monday for crying out loud. Also, my husband calls me 5 minutes after he leaves for work, which I should have realized something was wrong because he never calls me in the morning. He was all nonchalant asking what I was doing, like he didn't just get off the webcam with me 5 minutes prior to calling. Then he was like "oh, get this, a tree fell on my car". (I told him God did it to smite him for making fun of my cooking on facebook). Yup, it's gonna be a great day!!!

So anyway, off I go to run my errands, and head into the grocery store with my mental list ready to go. I walk into the store, mental list disappears. Completely.Gone. I have no idea why I'm there other than to get sour cream. WTF?!?! Now, anyone that knows me knows I have the worst memory ever. EVER I tell you! I have been calling Darlene for going on probably 3 or 4 years and every time we're chatting online and I tell her I'm going to call, I have to ask for the number. EVERY time!! So anyway, I'm in this store just wandering, going from one end of the store to the other because God knows as the memory starts to come back it couldn't be in order of the store, it would be things on opposite ends each time I think of them. I think it was God's way of telling me I have a fat ass and I need some exercise....or something like that ;) (wait, was that blasphemous?) Now I must mention, I love going to the store in the mornings. Okay, it's not the store that I love, I love seeing other mothers of small children being miserable. Misery loves company. It makes me happy if my children are quiet for just one minute while someone else's scream and wail as loudly as possible. I know, I'm a jerk, but it makes me happy. What makes me even happier, is getting to walk off from this wailing child knowing I am not personally resposible for the screaming monster ;)

I decided to bribe the kids with donuts because they were bright colored and tasty and let's face it, I cannot leave a store without having first consumed a maple persian donut, and I cannot be that fat assed mommy that walks around eating donuts while her skinny kids beg for food. Honestly, my kids are scrawny. Seriously scrawny. Ask anyone, it's awful. I have no idea why, I swear to you I feed those kids!! Even my "chubby" one is still way underweight, sad isn't it? I guess they don't take after their mother in the packing on the fat category. Anyhow, so I buy these kids some donuts, thinking THIS will make them happy. Oh stupid stupid me....

On one of my many previous shopping trips this weekend I bought Pieface a hello kitty candy necklace. Partially because it was just cute and of course the baby always gets spoiled when the other kids are with dillweed, and partially because I will do or buy anything to keep my kid quiet in the grocery store. She has this scream that makes you want to saw off your own head with a plastic butter knife rather than listen to for more than one second. It's horrid. So she is madly in love with her hello kitty candy necklace, first thing she does? Bites off hello kitty's head. Should have been a sign to me....but again, I'm an idiot.

Pieface has worn that necklace for 3 days. Just keeps munching on it and then putting it back on. She has been covered in white crust for 2 days. Even when I give her a bath, first thing she does is put it back on, which defeats the purpose of the damn bath in the first place, so why did I even bother? She asks me to put it on her dresser at night and every morning when she wakes up and magically appears in my face to say good morning, she's wearing it. Loves it. What she doesn't love, is not getting her way. Lately she's been throwing some good temper tantrums, and loves to yell stupid garbage at me like "FINE I won't have my birthday" which apparently is suppose to hurt me or something, but what do I care if I don't have to bake a cake and wrap presents and mess up my house even more?

So in the store Pieface is mad at her brother, and mad at me because they were beating each other so I would't let them ride the horse which is her most favorite thing to do in life. Mean, bad mommy. So she says "FINE I don't want my necklace" and throws it on the ground. This is when I start hauling arse to get away from it because I am not letting her eat something that has been on the ground for more than 30 seconds in a public place. Well that is enough to send miss queen bee into a raging fit. I'm talking RAGING fit! She was hitting, screaming, kicking....yeah I'm that mom where you want to walk up and smack ME because my kid is so bad. It was awesome. I finally get to the van and tell Pieface to go get in her carseat, because at 3, my kid still needs a baby carseat, told you they're scrawny!! Immediately Pieface makes a run for it and starts running around my van. So I'm running around the van chasing this little beast trying to figure out in my head how I will keep myself from beating her once I finally catch her. I finally catch the monster and despite her kicking and screaming I get her strapped in, at this point I am thankful I can strap her in a baby carseat because a tantrum like that deserves a 5 point harness.

Thank goodness that trip was over! Pieface tried to punish me by not eating her donut, like it hurts my feeling if I have to eat one more, wrong-o kid, I LOVE donuts!!! I find that in life, there are very few things donuts can't fix, and if donuts can't fix them then wine always can. Guaranteed. So life is good again, we're singing in the car crazy loud to some songs I am unsure if the kids should listen to, but anything to keep them happy, and we're all eating donuts. Life.Is.Good. Or is it?? The hell if it is....now I realize the whole reason I went to the store. More cooking food and freezing it. SON OF A BISTRO!!!

I'm home and I'm not happy. I did cook some food. I made about ten meals or so already today, but I.DONT.WANT.TO.SEE.ONE.MORE.CHICKEN!! I hate chicken. I would considering becoming a vegan because I feel I cannot stand the sight of meat ever again after cooking so much of it, but I hate chickens so much I will eat them just to spite them. I hated birds to begin with, they freak me out with all their weird pecking and flying at people. I once watched The Birds for the first time and when I was finished I stepped out onto our deck where a bird proceeded to dive bomb me. That was when my hatred of birds started, and it has only grown from there. A few weeks ago I went to walk out to my "sunroom" (really a room with thrown together by idiots with a styrofoam celing and everything just half-assed and stupid looking. I mean the ceiling is bright blue for crying out loud!), oh and did I mention there are BIRDS living above the ceiling below the roof in my sunroom? One pecked his way through the styrofoam ceiling, got stuck in the sunroom, and flew back and forth smashing into the windows and bleeding all over the place. Disgusting right? I thought the bird was gone and I was on the phone with my mom chatting it up walking around the sunroom when the bird appears out of nowhere and flies at me. Needless to say, my mom heard me say words a lady should just never say. It was traumatizing. Probably just as traumatizing to her considering she and my father are pastors. Yeah that's right....I'm a pastor's kid. I'll save those stories for another blog. Oh, and I can read your mind, you stop right now with that "OH THAT'S what's wrong with her" the hell if it is...it's because I fell five feet onto blacktop and landed on my head. Again, that's a whole different blog waiting to happen ;)

Now, do you understand why I hate birds? As if I didn't hate them enough before I started my cooking endeavor, now I have 20 lbs of raw bird corpses to deal with. I hate it....all of it. Thank God the cooking is almost over, at least I hope it is. Please remind me next time I think it would be fun to cook more food than my family would ever eat in a month, to shut the hell up and go take a nap. Thanks, I appreciate it.

Well I must go shred the ten pounds of chicken waiting for me, and find a place for the ten bags of groceries sitting in the middle of my kitchen floor that I keep tripping over and cursing. One of these days, I'm going to be done cooking. FOR.GOOD! It's a good thing I will have food in the freezer for over a month, because it's going to take at least that long for me to ever have the desire to cook again.

Off I go, wish me luck. I hate this idea and I hate myself for having it. The worst part of it all, is that after spending all this time cooking this stuff, I don't want to ever eat any of it. I have been cooking for days yet I've only been eating candy and twinkies. Why you ask? Because I don't want to eat that naked skinned cat looking chicken I boiled yesterday, or anything that caused me to lose sleep. I just finished off breakfast some cola gummy things, I suppose they should provide enough strength for me to go shred ten pounds of chicken. That won't take long right??? ;)

~JB

Jonna's missing u.p's... std's.. and damn chicken

Ok.. this was just too CLASSIC not to share. The following is a conversation which occured between octo-mom-wannabe jb and I, which occured yesterday on MSN!

Darlene: hey what ya doin

Jonna: trying to decide if I should look for the kids or not

Darlene: where are they?

Jonna: outside........................ some.where

Darlene: o.. lucky you

Jonna: no seriously.. I can't see them or hear them anymore I should go look for them

Darlene: why? you can't be everywhere they are.. they'll come home.

Jonna: hmm thought I heard Alyssa

Darlene: HIDE! LOCK THE DOORS!

Jonna: should I go look? (WHY ARE U EVEN ASKING ME AT THIS POINT..??)

Darlene: nah I wouldn't.. i only can pray mine get lost.. their older they KNOW their way home

silence...................................

Jonna: my dr tested me for std's .. apparently I look like a whore

Darlene: wow.. lost kids AND you look like a whore, I can only dress like one. You DO.HAVE.IT.ALL .. bitch


What else could I say to a statement like that?? Now, she's buried in 20 lbs of chicken carcus SOMEWHERE in her house.. raking up her electric bill doing a months worth of meals in 1 night (OMG mothers RESEMBLE superwoman.. BUT YOU AREN'T HER!!). I got thinkin what an idiot she is and that cooking is NOT YET AN OLYMPIC SPORT...plus FFS YOU MAKE ME LOOK BAD..

She never did tell me the results of the std's test... are you hiding something jb? Now I add to my list

looks whorish
has a baby momma**
lost kids

gawd do u have to rub in how awesome you and your life are??? GO F.A.T! (for those that don't know.. that is my polite way of telling her to go eff a tree). I'm gonna soon pretend I don't know you if you do NOT stop coming up w/these ridiculous ideas.. or at least mention them to me BEFORE you do them.. you have some hope of being saved if I can talk your azz out of it.

now I must peel... potatoes......... oh hubby got them done... yay!

It's 5:14pm I've managed to thoroughly enjoy my day thus far minus the 171 "episodes".. I've got my hair done now to raid the dresser and closet and see if I can find SOMETHING to wear... this might be one of those times where I should just wait til I really have *no* time to get ready.. then I don't have the time to look in the mirror.. horrified w/that deer in the headlights look...mersmized by what's looking back.. and not in a good way ppl.

-Darlene

I want to be octo-mom

JB here. Okay I need to clarify, I don't wish I was THE octo-mom, just wish I was an octo-mom as in, I need 8 arms. I came up with this bright idea the other day, in the middle of the night I might add (I always seem to come up with BRILLIANT ideas in the middle of the night, and no, alcohol was not involved!). So this wonderful idea, I decided since surgery is looming in my near future and I'll be stuck in bed for about a month, I figured I would prepare for the future and do the once a month freezer cooking thing. What is this you ask? Oh, it's a way to make at least 2-3 days of your life living hell, only to find out that after you cook all this food to last you over a month, your freezer was already full of things to eat which require much less cooking than the healthy meals you have slaved over for days, such as pizza rolls.

So you also need to know I am obsessed with couponing. I love it. If I have to pay even 50% off the regular price I get upset, apparently I'm cheap (no comments from you Darlene!!). So thanks to these coupons which I love so much, my freezer is entirely full. I'm not kidding, I bought one package of bologna and couldn't find room for it in the freezer. Now, thanks to couponing, I have more food than any 5 households needs, and no room in my freezer for all this food which I thought would be so fun to make. Stupid stupid me.

Here I sit on my kitchen floor, why you ask? Because I am hiding from the 20lbs of raw chicken sitting on my counter waiting to be cooked. No joke. I am an idiot. If you didn't know that by now, now you know, I am an idiot. Oh and as if all the 10 pounds of chicken and 10 lbs of hamburger I had in my freezer last night wasn't enough, I went out and bought more to double that tally, which brings me to this stupid mess of having 20 lbs of dead bird laying on my counter. Yes, stupid, I know. I also read that it's smart to buy a whole chicken, and as luck would have it they were on sale, so I bought 3. Yes, THREE! Again, I know...no need to remind me of my stupidity, I sit surrounded by it as I write.

Now this whole chicken, it's quite disgusting and one would think I would remember my Thanksgiving incident where I decided to cook my first turkey ever. As soon as it came time to touch it and pick it up, I freaked and screamed. Thanks to Thanksgiving my children are deathly afraid of poultry. Oh, but I did learn SOMETHING from that turkey experience!! I cooked it with that bag of garbage inside, you know, the crap that no one wants to eat but they shove it up the turkeys...you know....and sell it. STUPID! Even worse idea than my freezer cooking one if you ask me!

Now being the smart woman I am, I remember to take out the bag of garbage inside the chicken. Which the entire time I keep wondering if anyone had something against this chicken, maybe it was warned one too many times "if you don't stop pecking me I'm going to break your neck and stuff it up your @$$" so I am giggling enjoying my time trying to figure out how to get this chickens guts out of it without losing what little I have left of my sanity. So I am in the kitchen on the webcam with my hubs, trying to keep my cool when I realize how disgusting this raw bird is. I try not to scream so hubby won't know what a little girl I am, and run from the sink to the pot with this naked thing, acting like nothing is wrong. As soon as I put it in the pot, I look down at the bird and realize, it looked like a skinned cat. Now, I am no animal lover by any means but I would be most partial to cats. If this bird looked like a skinned dog...whatever, boil the little beast ;) But it looked to me like a skinned cat and I figured maybe if I flipped it over, it would look less disgusting. Being the brave woman I am, I screamed as loudly as I could while flopping it over. I'm sure the hubs was quite impressed.

Anyway, after this whole naked poultry fiasco, I get down to business and start cooking this whole cow I have sitting on my counter. I decided to make 4 lasagnas, because I make "killer lasagna", at least according to my brother I do. Plus, I figure if I'm stuck in bed for a month its either that or lean cuisine, and I would rather eat a cardboard box than eat lean cuisine. Actually, I don't know if I were in a taste test and blindfolded if I could tell the difference between a cardboard box and lean cuisine.

So I managed to make my 4 lasagnas, the whole while chasing kids out of the kitchen and tripping over the bags of food that are sitting in the middle of the floor because my pantry and fridge and freezer are full up. Yes, I knew they were full before I went to the grocery store, I am just that stupid and assumed an empty cupboard would appear out of thin air. I was wrong.

Well, I have not a clue what I was typing about, as I had to go yell at a kid to "PUT DOWN THAT STICK AND GET IN THE HOUSE" and then had to run hide as I noticed all kinds of people out in their yards and after all, it is Mother's day, I am not allowed to be beastly and loud today, that should be reserved for days when we aren't celebrating the joys of motherhood.

Okay back to the lasagna. Not only do I not want to eat this damn lasagna I made, I never want to see one again for as long as I live. I hate myself for being so stupid and thinking this was a great idea. I hate my kitchen for being so small. I hate my freezer for being full. Most of all, I hate this kitchen floor....my @$$ is falling asleep and I'm afraid if I leave the kitchen I'll forget about the whole chicken farm laying on my counter and waste enough food to feed a small country for at least 3 years. Maybe i'm exaggerating, maybe it would only feed them for a year, but STILL ;)

So my husband now thinks I'm crazy. Last night he was singing my praises on what a domestic goddess I am for taking on such a task, and now he is saying I'm weird. I think mainly he is telling me that because I am sitting on the floor typing away and rocking myself. In my defense, if you had just had the poultry experience I did, you would probably be rocking yourself too!! He actually thought I was singing because I had muted the webcam and was yelling at the UP's to get out of the kitchen and clean up their mess in the living room. FYI: yogurt + smashed up goldfish crackers + unsupervised ungrateful punks = DISASTER. That's your math lesson for today.

Well I suppose I should go do something with all these nasty, naked birds I have laying around. If you don't hear from me again, one of them got me....either the kids or the chicken, both are likely culprits. Dear God save me from myself and my "bright" ideas!!!



~JB