Things I understand now..

The older I get.. or my children I should say.. the more I understand certain things about my parents, that I never really understood growing up.

I've had issues sleeping for years. It's only been recently I think I understand what part of my problem is.

My father's side is showing.

Almost daily I am up no later then 5:30-5:45am. For no reason. I do not need to be up until 8am. But, I can never sleep later, no matter how late I stay up.. or what I do while staying up late ;) .. or how drunk I get.

I'm up.

I've always been an "I'm up I'M UP" kinda person.. There is no rolling over and going back to sleep. I am awake.. the day shall begin!

As a child I could easily roll over and say screw it. My Dad however, was always up around 4am. Having tea. I swear every day of every school year that we lived within close proximity of his sister/my Aunt.. Marlene, I would wake up at 7:30 and that woman would be sitting at the table having tea.. with my Dad.. in silence.

I use to shake my head and think they were both retarded.

My dad use to come home from work and sleep on the couch. Why?? Well hell he was up at 4am! Made no sense to me.. on days he coached hockey or soccor and couldn't nap.. he was still up at 4am. Mom said they never set an alarm.

I'm going to be 40 this year. My Mom is 62. My Dad.. he passed away...at 58. I've already succombed to the fact that I have turned partly into my Mom.. which is ok with me cause no looking back.. she was and still is the greatest human being I know. I look forward to the day my kids feel that way about me...

I woke up the other morning at 4am. I was up. I didn't have to pee.. but I was up.

I quietly slipped out of bed and made my way down the stairs to pay homage to my morning God .. "coffee maker". As I stood there yawning.. wondering wth I was doing up and why couldn't I just TRY to go back to sleep.. I convinced myself it was too late now.. I was making coffee..and I hate things getting wasted.

I sat down at my computer and loaded thestar.com newspaper. I stared blankly at the screen as my eyes focussed to the brightness..and coffee was ready.

Returning to my computer with a hot cup of fake energy.. I sat down once again and focussed. I read the newspaper.. and a few others.. played some games.. checked email.

In the middle of all this. It hit me.

This.. is.. beauty.

This.. is.. peace.

This.. is.. why dad got up so early every freaking day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I understand the nap thing too.. man I sure coulda used one and I didn't work all day!

But, I got it. Between his job.. us kids.. being a husband,, working on our cars,, coaching soccor and hockey.. attending my jazz recitals.. he had no time to himself.

To regroup. Re-energize.

Waking up at 4:00am allowed him that.

I began to notice things I am able to block out through the day. No sound coming from the kids computer (located next to mine). No tv. No nickjr.com or clubpenquin.com running on the King's computer (as does ALL while he's at work). No dog making noise, whining for someone to hold the bowl so he can drink. No sound of clicking from anyone's keyboard.. dishes clattering.. ceiling fans flying.

Nothing. Just the minimal noise I made sucking on my coffee like I need it to save my life.. and the occassional clickity click of my mouse.

I found heaven. I found myself able to read a whole news article without Hitler demanding something.. or a teen wanting something.. or a few fighting.

Me time. In my own home. Peacefully. I don't have to worry about the kids.. I know where they are. The day starts off beautifully..

then around 8:30 gradually they started descending the stairs. Rubbing eyes and complaining how tired they are.. how hungry they are.. "when i'm done eating can I go..".... within seconds they managed to set Hitler off into a tone deafening scream.. followed by another..and one more for good measure.

Yes.. the day has begun.

Maybe not quite as beautifully as I thought.