The last few days I have been soo lazy, busy busy. Mother's Day was a near disaster, only saved by Daddy's strong persistence to keep Hitler happy (yet to hear of anyone that ever kept hitler happy). Monday he had to work and it was the dicatator and I.
I'm starting to believe SHE thinks I'm a yo-yo.. or some granted personal service maid:
Hitler: I need milk!
Me: What do you say?
Hitler: I need sumfin to eat too
Me: What do you say?
Hilter: I need miiiiiiiiiiiiiillllllllllllllkkkkkkkkkk for energy! so that's what's causing it!
Me: What do you say?
Hilter: (in her oh.my.god.someones.ripping.my.face.off.scream) I NEEEED MILK AND FOOOD!
I feed her I swear. She had only been up 90 mins blew through 4 glasses of milk a bowl of cereal a "butter butter butter" sanwich (ya..butter on bread), a banana, an container of applesauce.. now she's starving enough to roar like someone's taking a kidney!
What do I do? What would you do? I did what you prolly wouldn't have. I got up and got the stuff... yeah I know I know... PERSISTENCE... my raging headache told me to save it for another day.
Me: Kira I have a headache can you PULEASE NOT SCREAM
child places her hand to her forehead
Hitler: me tooo
Me: oh maybe we should lay down together then
Hitler: kiss my forehead
again no please, I kiss like a good slave mother instinct made outta me
Hitler: I don't need to lay down my headache is gone.
sweetly leans up to kiss my forehead
Hitler: Is your head bettur?
Me: No
Hilter: (SCREAMS) I GIVE UP!
Retreats whine-a-ly to the "soft" chair to sulk and laugh at spongebob, yellow pourous basta-, funny dude.
So, lets fast forward to Tuesday or I'll have to rename this "6-mile long" blog.
I woke up Tuesday morning barely able to hear the King & Hitler... that's waking up in heaven. I rolled over and fluttered my eyes and thought 'wut a beautiful day' words i will never utter again until i've been up ALL day. So the day was peaking to be beautiful. 3 kids in school, the King takes Hitler to the park/grocery store/and for ice cream
cost: whocares...
total time elapsed: 3 hours
peace mommy got=priceless
I seriously started hearing things in the house I've never heard before...THAT'S HOW QUIET IT WAS...suck on that J.b :). 2:30pm the King and Hitler had arrived, 2/3 come home from school... hell breaks out... words flying everywhere...if they were actually visible I think I coulda knocked a few of them out with a few!
Mother's Day night hubby took me to the casino which I blogged. What I didn't mention was king shit wasn't home when we were about to leave. He knows when we go out I like everyone in and to stay in... not like we go out weekly or anything. As we were leaving he came home. He had a couple retards friends waiting for him... hubby quickly scooted them along their way while I informed k.s that he was in for the night. 1/2 way to the casino the cell rings, his friends came to the door and he left w/them.... we arrive back in time for him to be walking in the back door..told us he was talking to his friends over the fence...he stomps off to his room. I notice a mother's day card unopened on my desk. I look at the king questionably... he said "from the kids".
I opened it.. beautiful card.. my son never signed it. I wish he had kicked me repeatedly in he head instead... if you're a mother you understand you can take that a lot better then something like this.
That was the end of that day and we used yesterday as a do-over and it was great. I got a few hours alone in the house to work on pogo badges or do whatever I wanted to. Hubby took care of dinner and tended to the never-ending needs of the dictator..
Today my Emily is 13. Though you make me crazy sweetheart, I couldn't ever imagine what it would be like without you. Welcome to your teenage years and may they be positive, fun, and memorable. Dad and I love you tons...
on that note... you got til saturday to clean ur room or you're not goin to Cassidy's.. love you xoxo..
She reads the blog, I hope she reads today if not, I'll just write the clean ur room on a piece of paper inside a birthday card I'll make her!! How is that for multi tasking/recycling/and saving!
Wooot!
My day is getting interesting.... I just may have another blog entry...
-Darlene
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Just a little afterthought....
Is there a reason why after I blog about dillweed's sister in law and her fat ass that I see this ad posted below it? Now I feel like a jerk. Actually, I feel like clicking on the link and learning the trick so I can email her some advice. You know, only because I would like to repay...I mean thank her for all the rude thoughtful advice she has given me over the years. Oh well, off I go to eat my twinkies and take a nap ;)
~JB
Baby Mama Drama
JB here. Darlene ordered me to post a blog. Too bad she wasn't more specific in telling me WHAT to write. So I wandered around my house, making food, putting Pieface to bed, all confused because I felt nothing had even happened today worth writing about. I went into the bathroom to brush my teeth when I notice the sink is clogged (and filled with oreos but that isn't why it is clogged). This reminded me of the drama my baby mama and I had today because of the monsters I mean her/mine/our kids.
My baby mama and I have very little time to hang out. Dillweed keeps her on a tight leash as she is wicked hot and he is insanely jealous, like completely overboard jealous. Now I suppose first I should explain, she has given him no reason to be that way, he's just crazy. Second of all, baby mama has a knockout figure, and she has FIVE kids!! She has the body of an 18 yr old and the rack of Dolly Parton. I told dillweed I can't help but notice her huge rack, he said that did not help my case in getting to hang out with her. See...he is even jealous of women, he's THAT bad. Anyhow, so she's very hot and just a ton of fun to be around. It's actually been said that I get along with my baby mama better than she does with dillweed. That's to be expected, he's a jerkoff and he would make Mother Theresa curse and drink after 24 hours of living with him. Again, he's THAT bad.
Since dilweed is crazy jealous and never lets my baby mama out of the house, we choose to have coffee when he's at work. He can't say anything about that, what's he gonna do? Come home from work and check and make sure she isn't with me? Actually....he's done that. I have actually told her that if they split, she gets the visitation rights of the kids and he can kiss off ;) I do love this chick. Randomly she defies him and I force a drink or two down her and she stays till we finish of every last drop of alcohol in the house and then she goes home to face the wrath of dillweed. But it's worth every last minute of it. We have THAT much fun!
Our daily routine when the baby mama comes to get the kids goes like this: after she picks up her kids from school she drops off 3 of them and brings over the 2 who are the same ages as my oldest and who are also bff's and cannot live nor breathe without being around each other 24/7. Said kids walk in the house without ringing doorbell, thank God because the sound of the doorbell sends me instantly into a fit of rage, and besides, my hubs doesn't live with me yet so I don't care if people I LIKE just walk in the house. Let dillweed try it ONCE, and my baby mama will have a wife instead of a husband :) So once my baby mama comes into the house I go straight to the kitchen and either A. get her some coffee or B. get her a coke out of the fridge. Depending on the weather, that depends on the beverage. Then we immediately yell to the kids to behave while we go hide in the sun room (remember, the room built by idiots with birds pecking their way through the ceiling? Amazing the things mothers will do for some peace and quiet!)
Off we go to enjoy our silence. Okay, it's not silent, and the only thing enjoyable is sitting with another adult who completely 100% gets my insanity caused by my kids because she spends just as much, if not more, time with my kids than I do. With the exception of Pieface, who is not dillweeds spawn (thank GOD for that!!) although my baby mama is SO nice, that she babysits my little monster for me. Now how awesome is that? I flew to Phoenix to be with the hubs last month, guess who keeps Pieface as well as the other 3 monsters for me? Yup, you guessed it, my baby mama. She ROCKS! So we sit and commiserate on how my oldest daughter, whom I call prissy, because she is just SO PRISSY, lives in her own little world and should have been born a blonde. Or how my oldest is the apple of dillweed's eye and can do no wrong or how my youngest son's shriek is enough to derail trains. It's so much fun because she's basically living my life, except poor her, she's married to an ass. I won't tell her, because if she finds out, she might not be my baby mama anymore and I just can't bear to ruin this good thing we have going ;)
As we chat we are always interrupted SEVERAL times within a few minutes. The worst part of this "sunroom" is that the door doesn't open or shut very easily, so it's always a big pain in the arse to pull the door open and it creaks. When you shut this door, you have to SLAM it. Now imagine having to hear it rip open and slam shut several times in a short period of time. The only days it doesn't annoy me are the times when dillweed gives up on getting time with his wife and comes and gets all the kids and Pieface goes to bed and we have a big old winefest, and also a big old whinefest. It's awesome! We laugh our heads off and tell "secrets" that aren't really secrets, it's just a blast. We laugh over what an idiot dillweed is, because he really, really is just that stupid. It's just fun. By the time the night is over we have had too much to drink, we have shared a little too much personal information, and we have laughed enough we should wake up in the morning with killer abs.
Now always remember, on our boozefest nights, I only have Pieface who sleeps like a champ (sometimes she has been known to sleep until noon, don't hate me because I'm beautiful, hate me because my kid could sleep all day!) which means I get to sleep in. She, on the other hand, has to get up with EIGHT kids and get them ready for school and shove them off and head to work. So really, I am the ass in the whole situation because I am laying in bed in silence, texting with only one eye open while she is texting while out in broad daylight, wrangling EIGHT kids, sucking down coffee and madly searching for sunglasses. I always have to text her the next morning to assess the damage. Dillweed has control issues and isn't one to be letting his woman have a life. So his hot ass wife comes over to drink wine with me, he freaks out. He knows that I am not his biggest fan, and if she is pissed he is terribly afraid I will talk her into leaving him, and in his warped little mind, I'll talk her into leaving him to be with me. See?!?! Sick little bastard isn't he? Now you know why he's dillweed.
Anyhow, so I always have to find out how pissed off dillweed is, so I can be expecting mean texts asking me not to turn his wife into an alcoholic, etc. Normally she says dillweed (she doesn't call him dillweed, nor does she know I call him dillweed, thats just my own little "pet" name for the bastard) doesn't want us hanging out ever again blah blah, but after a few months he chills out and forgets and sends her on over again. Silly man. He thinks we talk about him all the time. I tell him that's so not true....but it totally is ;) He's an ass, she knows it, I know it, hell, HE knows it. So, it gives us lots to talk about. After a little while of us both bitchign about him we get bored and move on to normal things, like how much we can't stand his big mean witch of a sister in law.
I'm telling you, she's a witch, she has the warts on her face to prove it ;) She's one of THOSE women, who thinks she know it all, thinks she has it all, and talk behind everyone's backs. Just an all around BEAST and isn't a true friend to anyone. Like I really need to know that her best friend had a baby via in vitro but chose not to use her husband's sperm, rather chose an anonymous donor instead. Really? Sounds like a best friend I would love to have, one who can't ever keep her trap shut. Why don't you just rent a billboard honey? It saves the time and breath of spreading it around town to everyone, plus...you need that breath for the treadmill. Your stomach looks like you never actually gave birth 6 years ago, maybe you should see if there isn't one still left in there, maybe you are so large because a small toddler is hiding inside you. Forgive me, I'm a fat ass too...so I have no right. But she is just THAT mean....makes me wanna be mean right back.
See, we have lots of things to talk about. It's not always about dillweed, but yes, there isn't a time where we don't make fun of him at least once or say some comment he made which makes our eyes roll almost permanently into the backs of our heads. It's not ALL about him...but again, sometimes it is. Plus we talk about the kids too...it wouldn't be a mommy's night if we didn't spend some time complaining about our kids for crying out loud!
Anyway, I am so far off track I wonder if you even remember what I was writing about to begin with. I wonder if I even remember....oh yes. So the baby mama and I have our wonderful time together, until we hear an almost inhuman howl, it was horrible. Now you must also know, this "sunroom" has "french" doors. Really, it has one glass door and one pane of glass fixed to the house. It looks as if both sides should open, but it's jank, and it doesn't. So I can see into the house. Now for one moment I thought I saw her son drag my little boy into the other room, but thought the lack of alcoholic beverages was making me hallucinate, so I quickly dismissed the thought and kept on talking. Not 5 seconds later we hear the howl, so we run into the house only to notice her son grabbing his family jewels and screaming. My oldest son, the angel, informs us my youngest son (who apparently has chosen not to take after his "angelic" name he was given) had punched her son in the nuts. Those were in the words of my son. Awesome. Game over.
We decide that's all we can handle so we start herding the kids to get shoes on, basically I am yelling get the hell out because I've had all the noise I can take for the day. So I start my usual barking of orders: "pick up those wrappers" or "who had grapes? where did they even come from?" or "no son you cannot paint your nails put that away and go!". Knowing how well behaved my kids are, I decide to wander the house and do some damage control. My youngest son had tied a jump rope to the pull thing (I have not a clue what it's called) that turns on the ceiling fan, the kids had gotten a box of 100 cal snack packs and eaten them all and wrappers were everywhere, the girls had decided to have a "tea party" with water in the bedroom, but at least it wasn't a fashion show like last time, I'm STILL doing laundry because of that!! Everything seemed to be enough I could deal with, UNTIL I got to the bathroom.
Now, remember when I told you the bathroom sink was clogged? Well my oldest son comes running to me all proud announcing he unclogged the sink. When I ask why it was clogged he tells me that Prissy dropped a toothbrush down the drain (which I was supposed to believe because its like every day I drop my toothbrush and it totally falls down the drain...wth really?) and that my youngest son, we'll call him Bam Bam because he's huge and breaks everything, he says that Bam Bam shoved grapes and cheese down the drain to get the toothbrush out (yes because this makes total sense...exactly the method I would have chosen). When I ask how he unclogged the drain, he says "I plunged it with my toothbrush". WONDERFUL. So I look around the bathroom to get a full idea of what has just happened here. This is what I see: toilet brush out of its holder, laying on the floor. Wet sock laying on the counter. Toothbrushes, EVERYWHERE. Toothpaste, EVERYWHERE (granted it's always everywhere. Apparently my kids feel they cannot brush their teeth adequately without using a whole tube of toothpaste and getting it everywhere BUT their mouths). A wet pair of boys underwear, on the counter. Just a mess. Horrid mess. My poor baby mama, she is in the living room herding kids around and all she can hear is "why is there a wet sock on the counter?!" and "what were you doing with the toilet brush?!" and "why is there wet underwear on my counter?!". I bet she couldn't wait to run out of my house.
I decide I have had all I can take for the day so after my baby mama takes the kids (again, thank GOD for that woman!!) I take Pieface back to my bedroom so we can have a little nap. First of course, I have to check facebook, so I give her some oreos, tell her to eat them on the floor, and I start surfin the net. So I get all caught up in reading this blog and start laughing my ass off at this story about this woman's kids (because mine would NEVER do such things so it's funny to read such a fictional story) and then when I pause to take a breath from my cackling I realize, Pieface isn't sitting the floor eating oreos watching brain drain. So I call to her, because I didn't want to lose my spot in the blog...and then she comes running in all guilty looking. So of course, I have to investigate. I tell her to sit on my bed and wait while I go assess the damage. Oh, and what's even more awesome, hubs is on the webcam and now he can hear this whole thing. (Dear God, please don't let him be so afraid of what my children have just done that he decides maybe we should always stay married but live across the country from each other.)
As I go into the bathroom, I notice....Pieface didn't eat her stupid oreos...she made a damn science experiment of them. I couldn't tell at first if it was dirt, or cookie crumbs, she did THAT good of a job of smashing them up. Then she added water, from a cup, and made MUD in my clogged up sink. So I am yelling and being all beastly, then remember my hubs is on the webcam and might not think it's appropriate I yell such things with a 3 year old within earshot. In my defense, if it were HIS sink that were all clogged up like that, hell yes he would be saying all I did plus some. But since he's not here and I am, well I try to keep it to a minimum. So I come back to my bedroom and notice Pieface eating oreos on my bed. which has no sheet on it because it's in the laundry because of their last escapade in my bedroom. Laying on my naked bed are thousands of little oreo crumbs. Awesome. And my sheet still isn't dry. Even more awesome. Gosh I love today. So here I sit, in oreo crumbs, blogging. I'm doing it because Darlene told me to. I promise, in a few minutes I will clean off the bed, sweep up all the cookies off the floor and put a clean sheet on my bed. Until then, I'm gonna sit here and be a little perturbed if you don't mind.
I suppose I deserve it, I actually got to enjoy myself and the company of another adult today for twenty minutes. Bad, bad mommy for not having the world revolve around the kids for a minute!! Well it was totally worth all the mess to follow, plus the best part is, dillweed's kid did it, so I'm gonna make him fix it. My kids would NEVER do such a thing so they must have taken after him with that kind of behavior ;)
Oh, as my baby mama was leaving she gave me a mother's day gift. I told you, I effing LOVE that chick!! It was a piece of paper with my kids handprints on it, all four of them, and a quote. I'll leave you with this....because it's totally gonna make you fall in love with my baby mama, and NO you can't have her. She's MINE...all mine!!
"Whoever said many hands make light work didn't have kids" ~Baby Mama
See....told ya she's a keeper!!!
~JB
My baby mama and I have very little time to hang out. Dillweed keeps her on a tight leash as she is wicked hot and he is insanely jealous, like completely overboard jealous. Now I suppose first I should explain, she has given him no reason to be that way, he's just crazy. Second of all, baby mama has a knockout figure, and she has FIVE kids!! She has the body of an 18 yr old and the rack of Dolly Parton. I told dillweed I can't help but notice her huge rack, he said that did not help my case in getting to hang out with her. See...he is even jealous of women, he's THAT bad. Anyhow, so she's very hot and just a ton of fun to be around. It's actually been said that I get along with my baby mama better than she does with dillweed. That's to be expected, he's a jerkoff and he would make Mother Theresa curse and drink after 24 hours of living with him. Again, he's THAT bad.
Since dilweed is crazy jealous and never lets my baby mama out of the house, we choose to have coffee when he's at work. He can't say anything about that, what's he gonna do? Come home from work and check and make sure she isn't with me? Actually....he's done that. I have actually told her that if they split, she gets the visitation rights of the kids and he can kiss off ;) I do love this chick. Randomly she defies him and I force a drink or two down her and she stays till we finish of every last drop of alcohol in the house and then she goes home to face the wrath of dillweed. But it's worth every last minute of it. We have THAT much fun!
Our daily routine when the baby mama comes to get the kids goes like this: after she picks up her kids from school she drops off 3 of them and brings over the 2 who are the same ages as my oldest and who are also bff's and cannot live nor breathe without being around each other 24/7. Said kids walk in the house without ringing doorbell, thank God because the sound of the doorbell sends me instantly into a fit of rage, and besides, my hubs doesn't live with me yet so I don't care if people I LIKE just walk in the house. Let dillweed try it ONCE, and my baby mama will have a wife instead of a husband :) So once my baby mama comes into the house I go straight to the kitchen and either A. get her some coffee or B. get her a coke out of the fridge. Depending on the weather, that depends on the beverage. Then we immediately yell to the kids to behave while we go hide in the sun room (remember, the room built by idiots with birds pecking their way through the ceiling? Amazing the things mothers will do for some peace and quiet!)
Off we go to enjoy our silence. Okay, it's not silent, and the only thing enjoyable is sitting with another adult who completely 100% gets my insanity caused by my kids because she spends just as much, if not more, time with my kids than I do. With the exception of Pieface, who is not dillweeds spawn (thank GOD for that!!) although my baby mama is SO nice, that she babysits my little monster for me. Now how awesome is that? I flew to Phoenix to be with the hubs last month, guess who keeps Pieface as well as the other 3 monsters for me? Yup, you guessed it, my baby mama. She ROCKS! So we sit and commiserate on how my oldest daughter, whom I call prissy, because she is just SO PRISSY, lives in her own little world and should have been born a blonde. Or how my oldest is the apple of dillweed's eye and can do no wrong or how my youngest son's shriek is enough to derail trains. It's so much fun because she's basically living my life, except poor her, she's married to an ass. I won't tell her, because if she finds out, she might not be my baby mama anymore and I just can't bear to ruin this good thing we have going ;)
As we chat we are always interrupted SEVERAL times within a few minutes. The worst part of this "sunroom" is that the door doesn't open or shut very easily, so it's always a big pain in the arse to pull the door open and it creaks. When you shut this door, you have to SLAM it. Now imagine having to hear it rip open and slam shut several times in a short period of time. The only days it doesn't annoy me are the times when dillweed gives up on getting time with his wife and comes and gets all the kids and Pieface goes to bed and we have a big old winefest, and also a big old whinefest. It's awesome! We laugh our heads off and tell "secrets" that aren't really secrets, it's just a blast. We laugh over what an idiot dillweed is, because he really, really is just that stupid. It's just fun. By the time the night is over we have had too much to drink, we have shared a little too much personal information, and we have laughed enough we should wake up in the morning with killer abs.
Now always remember, on our boozefest nights, I only have Pieface who sleeps like a champ (sometimes she has been known to sleep until noon, don't hate me because I'm beautiful, hate me because my kid could sleep all day!) which means I get to sleep in. She, on the other hand, has to get up with EIGHT kids and get them ready for school and shove them off and head to work. So really, I am the ass in the whole situation because I am laying in bed in silence, texting with only one eye open while she is texting while out in broad daylight, wrangling EIGHT kids, sucking down coffee and madly searching for sunglasses. I always have to text her the next morning to assess the damage. Dillweed has control issues and isn't one to be letting his woman have a life. So his hot ass wife comes over to drink wine with me, he freaks out. He knows that I am not his biggest fan, and if she is pissed he is terribly afraid I will talk her into leaving him, and in his warped little mind, I'll talk her into leaving him to be with me. See?!?! Sick little bastard isn't he? Now you know why he's dillweed.
Anyhow, so I always have to find out how pissed off dillweed is, so I can be expecting mean texts asking me not to turn his wife into an alcoholic, etc. Normally she says dillweed (she doesn't call him dillweed, nor does she know I call him dillweed, thats just my own little "pet" name for the bastard) doesn't want us hanging out ever again blah blah, but after a few months he chills out and forgets and sends her on over again. Silly man. He thinks we talk about him all the time. I tell him that's so not true....but it totally is ;) He's an ass, she knows it, I know it, hell, HE knows it. So, it gives us lots to talk about. After a little while of us both bitchign about him we get bored and move on to normal things, like how much we can't stand his big mean witch of a sister in law.
I'm telling you, she's a witch, she has the warts on her face to prove it ;) She's one of THOSE women, who thinks she know it all, thinks she has it all, and talk behind everyone's backs. Just an all around BEAST and isn't a true friend to anyone. Like I really need to know that her best friend had a baby via in vitro but chose not to use her husband's sperm, rather chose an anonymous donor instead. Really? Sounds like a best friend I would love to have, one who can't ever keep her trap shut. Why don't you just rent a billboard honey? It saves the time and breath of spreading it around town to everyone, plus...you need that breath for the treadmill. Your stomach looks like you never actually gave birth 6 years ago, maybe you should see if there isn't one still left in there, maybe you are so large because a small toddler is hiding inside you. Forgive me, I'm a fat ass too...so I have no right. But she is just THAT mean....makes me wanna be mean right back.
See, we have lots of things to talk about. It's not always about dillweed, but yes, there isn't a time where we don't make fun of him at least once or say some comment he made which makes our eyes roll almost permanently into the backs of our heads. It's not ALL about him...but again, sometimes it is. Plus we talk about the kids too...it wouldn't be a mommy's night if we didn't spend some time complaining about our kids for crying out loud!
Anyway, I am so far off track I wonder if you even remember what I was writing about to begin with. I wonder if I even remember....oh yes. So the baby mama and I have our wonderful time together, until we hear an almost inhuman howl, it was horrible. Now you must also know, this "sunroom" has "french" doors. Really, it has one glass door and one pane of glass fixed to the house. It looks as if both sides should open, but it's jank, and it doesn't. So I can see into the house. Now for one moment I thought I saw her son drag my little boy into the other room, but thought the lack of alcoholic beverages was making me hallucinate, so I quickly dismissed the thought and kept on talking. Not 5 seconds later we hear the howl, so we run into the house only to notice her son grabbing his family jewels and screaming. My oldest son, the angel, informs us my youngest son (who apparently has chosen not to take after his "angelic" name he was given) had punched her son in the nuts. Those were in the words of my son. Awesome. Game over.
We decide that's all we can handle so we start herding the kids to get shoes on, basically I am yelling get the hell out because I've had all the noise I can take for the day. So I start my usual barking of orders: "pick up those wrappers" or "who had grapes? where did they even come from?" or "no son you cannot paint your nails put that away and go!". Knowing how well behaved my kids are, I decide to wander the house and do some damage control. My youngest son had tied a jump rope to the pull thing (I have not a clue what it's called) that turns on the ceiling fan, the kids had gotten a box of 100 cal snack packs and eaten them all and wrappers were everywhere, the girls had decided to have a "tea party" with water in the bedroom, but at least it wasn't a fashion show like last time, I'm STILL doing laundry because of that!! Everything seemed to be enough I could deal with, UNTIL I got to the bathroom.
Now, remember when I told you the bathroom sink was clogged? Well my oldest son comes running to me all proud announcing he unclogged the sink. When I ask why it was clogged he tells me that Prissy dropped a toothbrush down the drain (which I was supposed to believe because its like every day I drop my toothbrush and it totally falls down the drain...wth really?) and that my youngest son, we'll call him Bam Bam because he's huge and breaks everything, he says that Bam Bam shoved grapes and cheese down the drain to get the toothbrush out (yes because this makes total sense...exactly the method I would have chosen). When I ask how he unclogged the drain, he says "I plunged it with my toothbrush". WONDERFUL. So I look around the bathroom to get a full idea of what has just happened here. This is what I see: toilet brush out of its holder, laying on the floor. Wet sock laying on the counter. Toothbrushes, EVERYWHERE. Toothpaste, EVERYWHERE (granted it's always everywhere. Apparently my kids feel they cannot brush their teeth adequately without using a whole tube of toothpaste and getting it everywhere BUT their mouths). A wet pair of boys underwear, on the counter. Just a mess. Horrid mess. My poor baby mama, she is in the living room herding kids around and all she can hear is "why is there a wet sock on the counter?!" and "what were you doing with the toilet brush?!" and "why is there wet underwear on my counter?!". I bet she couldn't wait to run out of my house.
I decide I have had all I can take for the day so after my baby mama takes the kids (again, thank GOD for that woman!!) I take Pieface back to my bedroom so we can have a little nap. First of course, I have to check facebook, so I give her some oreos, tell her to eat them on the floor, and I start surfin the net. So I get all caught up in reading this blog and start laughing my ass off at this story about this woman's kids (because mine would NEVER do such things so it's funny to read such a fictional story) and then when I pause to take a breath from my cackling I realize, Pieface isn't sitting the floor eating oreos watching brain drain. So I call to her, because I didn't want to lose my spot in the blog...and then she comes running in all guilty looking. So of course, I have to investigate. I tell her to sit on my bed and wait while I go assess the damage. Oh, and what's even more awesome, hubs is on the webcam and now he can hear this whole thing. (Dear God, please don't let him be so afraid of what my children have just done that he decides maybe we should always stay married but live across the country from each other.)
As I go into the bathroom, I notice....Pieface didn't eat her stupid oreos...she made a damn science experiment of them. I couldn't tell at first if it was dirt, or cookie crumbs, she did THAT good of a job of smashing them up. Then she added water, from a cup, and made MUD in my clogged up sink. So I am yelling and being all beastly, then remember my hubs is on the webcam and might not think it's appropriate I yell such things with a 3 year old within earshot. In my defense, if it were HIS sink that were all clogged up like that, hell yes he would be saying all I did plus some. But since he's not here and I am, well I try to keep it to a minimum. So I come back to my bedroom and notice Pieface eating oreos on my bed. which has no sheet on it because it's in the laundry because of their last escapade in my bedroom. Laying on my naked bed are thousands of little oreo crumbs. Awesome. And my sheet still isn't dry. Even more awesome. Gosh I love today. So here I sit, in oreo crumbs, blogging. I'm doing it because Darlene told me to. I promise, in a few minutes I will clean off the bed, sweep up all the cookies off the floor and put a clean sheet on my bed. Until then, I'm gonna sit here and be a little perturbed if you don't mind.
I suppose I deserve it, I actually got to enjoy myself and the company of another adult today for twenty minutes. Bad, bad mommy for not having the world revolve around the kids for a minute!! Well it was totally worth all the mess to follow, plus the best part is, dillweed's kid did it, so I'm gonna make him fix it. My kids would NEVER do such a thing so they must have taken after him with that kind of behavior ;)
Oh, as my baby mama was leaving she gave me a mother's day gift. I told you, I effing LOVE that chick!! It was a piece of paper with my kids handprints on it, all four of them, and a quote. I'll leave you with this....because it's totally gonna make you fall in love with my baby mama, and NO you can't have her. She's MINE...all mine!!
"Whoever said many hands make light work didn't have kids" ~Baby Mama
See....told ya she's a keeper!!!
~JB
Monday, May 10, 2010
I just rant to hear myself... but *I* *DO* *LISTEN*
I swear to you and the Lord almighty above me that the next child that says "you don't understand.." are being mailed to ecquador... or some damn place far.
See there's stupid coming out of me again, them?????????? Ah hell Darlene pack ur suitcase and just go. Oh you know I.SO.WOULD!! If I wasn't afraid I'd come back to 3 months worth of what should only be a week laundry.
And before I go too much further you ppl have to understand I am not a tv person. I am too busy doing mommy stuff and or stuff on my web site http://www.egyptiancash.com .. either way, I'm busy. I do have however 1 weakenss. HUGH LORRIE. Yeah I never miss house EVER EVER EVER.
Then tonite happened.
Aside from waking up to Emily dying on the couch because she has cramps, the day wasn't bad. However, there were some epsidoes w/the boy last night (he's a whole other blog of his own).. I figured i was in for holy hell when he and q.s got home.
I was right. Too bad my buddy lora didn't kick in quick enough. I will never understand teenagers nor do I want to. I JUST WANT TO SURVIVE THEM that's all I want.
My son was so mad at me (for not offerin' him a smoke).. he refused to sign my mother's day card. I would never do that to my mother or anyone....I'll sign him a birthday card... he can admire it while he rest of the gifts are being opened by the others. Might sign his empty birthday card too......... if I'm happy/in a good mood.
I need to see and find some "Laudry De-breeder"... I've never seen anything like it, worse then rabbits.. just piles and piles and piles and yeah I get caught up I'm pretty good about that. . then I'll find about 3-4 more items SOMEONE was TOO LAZY to bring down. . at that point I wish I could throw said items out but we know what happens then,,,, 1st the meltdown ..2nd promise to buy another................................ you lose and lose again.
The king is working late tonite lucky bastard, poor guy. I'm in the mood to go out and I'm sure he'll say that's too late which he is right....damn man. On the upside he isn't working tomorrow so hope?... downright beg? anyone got statedy tips?? Already got my hair done.. just need to get dressed! :)
We've had a rule in this house that was put in place the day the oldest started school, you come home right after school no matter what... she's almost 20 now. This seriously by now should be imbedded in their brains, they should just know it and accept it and move on. Not mine. No, no no not mine. The following is a conversation between the Q.S and myself:
PHONE RINGS:
me: hello?
q.s: hi mom can i go to stephanie's after school?
me: u coming home first?
q.s: well itseasier if I just go from here
me: you know the rules
q.s: that's a stupid rule
me: are u saying im stupid? It's MY rule!!!
q.s: no ..... bye
click.
me: *staring wide eyed at the phone which is in dead silence* I love you too sweetie pie see when you get home.
No one listens. Why do I rant?? No one listens... my bood pressure goes sky high my head starts pounding... then a fight uptairs
MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMM
HITLER TOOK MY BRA AND PUT IT IN HER DRAWER AND WONT GIVE IT BACK. Just as I turn to look at my sweet dictator she's casually flaunting the bra chanting "I HAVE BOOBIES LIKE EMILY AND SAWAH I HAVE BOOBIES"
me: oh like mommy's too
hitler: no.. you'res are grosss
there you have it. House M.D.. shot out the window.. not even a thought :( I'm so sorry Hugh :(
-Darlene
See there's stupid coming out of me again, them?????????? Ah hell Darlene pack ur suitcase and just go. Oh you know I.SO.WOULD!! If I wasn't afraid I'd come back to 3 months worth of what should only be a week laundry.
And before I go too much further you ppl have to understand I am not a tv person. I am too busy doing mommy stuff and or stuff on my web site http://www.egyptiancash.com .. either way, I'm busy. I do have however 1 weakenss. HUGH LORRIE. Yeah I never miss house EVER EVER EVER.
Then tonite happened.
Aside from waking up to Emily dying on the couch because she has cramps, the day wasn't bad. However, there were some epsidoes w/the boy last night (he's a whole other blog of his own).. I figured i was in for holy hell when he and q.s got home.
I was right. Too bad my buddy lora didn't kick in quick enough. I will never understand teenagers nor do I want to. I JUST WANT TO SURVIVE THEM that's all I want.
My son was so mad at me (for not offerin' him a smoke).. he refused to sign my mother's day card. I would never do that to my mother or anyone....I'll sign him a birthday card... he can admire it while he rest of the gifts are being opened by the others. Might sign his empty birthday card too......... if I'm happy/in a good mood.
I need to see and find some "Laudry De-breeder"... I've never seen anything like it, worse then rabbits.. just piles and piles and piles and yeah I get caught up I'm pretty good about that. . then I'll find about 3-4 more items SOMEONE was TOO LAZY to bring down. . at that point I wish I could throw said items out but we know what happens then,,,, 1st the meltdown ..2nd promise to buy another................................ you lose and lose again.
The king is working late tonite lucky bastard, poor guy. I'm in the mood to go out and I'm sure he'll say that's too late which he is right....damn man. On the upside he isn't working tomorrow so hope?... downright beg? anyone got statedy tips?? Already got my hair done.. just need to get dressed! :)
We've had a rule in this house that was put in place the day the oldest started school, you come home right after school no matter what... she's almost 20 now. This seriously by now should be imbedded in their brains, they should just know it and accept it and move on. Not mine. No, no no not mine. The following is a conversation between the Q.S and myself:
PHONE RINGS:
me: hello?
q.s: hi mom can i go to stephanie's after school?
me: u coming home first?
q.s: well itseasier if I just go from here
me: you know the rules
q.s: that's a stupid rule
me: are u saying im stupid? It's MY rule!!!
q.s: no ..... bye
click.
me: *staring wide eyed at the phone which is in dead silence* I love you too sweetie pie see when you get home.
No one listens. Why do I rant?? No one listens... my bood pressure goes sky high my head starts pounding... then a fight uptairs
MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMM
HITLER TOOK MY BRA AND PUT IT IN HER DRAWER AND WONT GIVE IT BACK. Just as I turn to look at my sweet dictator she's casually flaunting the bra chanting "I HAVE BOOBIES LIKE EMILY AND SAWAH I HAVE BOOBIES"
me: oh like mommy's too
hitler: no.. you'res are grosss
there you have it. House M.D.. shot out the window.. not even a thought :( I'm so sorry Hugh :(
-Darlene
My second "bright" idea in 48 hours....
JB here...Today has been a day from hell. I made my 5th trip in 3 days to the grocery store for MORE groceries because it seems I can't just write a list like a normal person. Apparently I like to just guess at what I might need and spend all my time/money racing back and forth to the store.
Now let me tell you why it is such a pain in the arse for me to go to the store. Number one: I have kids. It's never easy taking them anywhere, be it one or four, I hate taking them with me, this morning was no exception. I would rather take a bath in an alligator's mouth than take more than one child in public with me. Don't even ask me what I would rather do than take all four in public, you would be horrified, but not as horrified as I would be to take all those kids with me! Number two: I live in BFE, yes, it means what you think it does. I live 25 miles away from the damn store, so it costs me probably about ten bucks in gas to hop in the mommy mobile and run to the store and back, and even a "quick" trip takes at least 2 hours. Not to mention that living in farmville you may get stuck driving behind farmer joe in his john deere. Whoever made up the phrase "nothing runs like a deere" was an idiot. It insinuates that the bastard thing can go faster than 20 mph and that is just a flat out lie. Number three: I forgot my coupons. I hate going anywhere without my coupons. It makes me angry. I just know I'll find something on clearance that I had a coupon for and could have had said item for free. So I was just crabby all around this morning.
So last night I made a note ( a MENTAL note that is) of what I needed from the store and decided to keep my youngest son home from school so I would have time to run all my errands and not have to worry about getting him off the bus. I don't know how many times I have asked my friends to please remind me keeping him home from school is NEVER a good idea, yet I forget and do it anyway. Today was no exception to that rule, it sucked. I love having my little boy around, he's great fun, however....he and Pieface HATE each other! I cannot stand those two together yet they are the combination of kids I almost always have. It's so hard not to freak out in public while those two yell "STOP GABE" and "MOM SHE'S LOOKING AT ME, TELL HER TO STOP LOOKING AT ME" oh and my most favorite "MOM GABE'S SITTING BY ME!!" like where would you prefer him to sit? On the luggage rack on the roof? I don't dare ask, I know she would say yes.
So I take off with my two babies thinking today was going to be a wonderful day. I should have known today would suck. I mean, come on, it's a Monday for crying out loud. Also, my husband calls me 5 minutes after he leaves for work, which I should have realized something was wrong because he never calls me in the morning. He was all nonchalant asking what I was doing, like he didn't just get off the webcam with me 5 minutes prior to calling. Then he was like "oh, get this, a tree fell on my car". (I told him God did it to smite him for making fun of my cooking on facebook). Yup, it's gonna be a great day!!!
So anyway, off I go to run my errands, and head into the grocery store with my mental list ready to go. I walk into the store, mental list disappears. Completely.Gone. I have no idea why I'm there other than to get sour cream. WTF?!?! Now, anyone that knows me knows I have the worst memory ever. EVER I tell you! I have been calling Darlene for going on probably 3 or 4 years and every time we're chatting online and I tell her I'm going to call, I have to ask for the number. EVERY time!! So anyway, I'm in this store just wandering, going from one end of the store to the other because God knows as the memory starts to come back it couldn't be in order of the store, it would be things on opposite ends each time I think of them. I think it was God's way of telling me I have a fat ass and I need some exercise....or something like that ;) (wait, was that blasphemous?) Now I must mention, I love going to the store in the mornings. Okay, it's not the store that I love, I love seeing other mothers of small children being miserable. Misery loves company. It makes me happy if my children are quiet for just one minute while someone else's scream and wail as loudly as possible. I know, I'm a jerk, but it makes me happy. What makes me even happier, is getting to walk off from this wailing child knowing I am not personally resposible for the screaming monster ;)
I decided to bribe the kids with donuts because they were bright colored and tasty and let's face it, I cannot leave a store without having first consumed a maple persian donut, and I cannot be that fat assed mommy that walks around eating donuts while her skinny kids beg for food. Honestly, my kids are scrawny. Seriously scrawny. Ask anyone, it's awful. I have no idea why, I swear to you I feed those kids!! Even my "chubby" one is still way underweight, sad isn't it? I guess they don't take after their mother in the packing on the fat category. Anyhow, so I buy these kids some donuts, thinking THIS will make them happy. Oh stupid stupid me....
On one of my many previous shopping trips this weekend I bought Pieface a hello kitty candy necklace. Partially because it was just cute and of course the baby always gets spoiled when the other kids are with dillweed, and partially because I will do or buy anything to keep my kid quiet in the grocery store. She has this scream that makes you want to saw off your own head with a plastic butter knife rather than listen to for more than one second. It's horrid. So she is madly in love with her hello kitty candy necklace, first thing she does? Bites off hello kitty's head. Should have been a sign to me....but again, I'm an idiot.
Pieface has worn that necklace for 3 days. Just keeps munching on it and then putting it back on. She has been covered in white crust for 2 days. Even when I give her a bath, first thing she does is put it back on, which defeats the purpose of the damn bath in the first place, so why did I even bother? She asks me to put it on her dresser at night and every morning when she wakes up and magically appears in my face to say good morning, she's wearing it. Loves it. What she doesn't love, is not getting her way. Lately she's been throwing some good temper tantrums, and loves to yell stupid garbage at me like "FINE I won't have my birthday" which apparently is suppose to hurt me or something, but what do I care if I don't have to bake a cake and wrap presents and mess up my house even more?
So in the store Pieface is mad at her brother, and mad at me because they were beating each other so I would't let them ride the horse which is her most favorite thing to do in life. Mean, bad mommy. So she says "FINE I don't want my necklace" and throws it on the ground. This is when I start hauling arse to get away from it because I am not letting her eat something that has been on the ground for more than 30 seconds in a public place. Well that is enough to send miss queen bee into a raging fit. I'm talking RAGING fit! She was hitting, screaming, kicking....yeah I'm that mom where you want to walk up and smack ME because my kid is so bad. It was awesome. I finally get to the van and tell Pieface to go get in her carseat, because at 3, my kid still needs a baby carseat, told you they're scrawny!! Immediately Pieface makes a run for it and starts running around my van. So I'm running around the van chasing this little beast trying to figure out in my head how I will keep myself from beating her once I finally catch her. I finally catch the monster and despite her kicking and screaming I get her strapped in, at this point I am thankful I can strap her in a baby carseat because a tantrum like that deserves a 5 point harness.
Thank goodness that trip was over! Pieface tried to punish me by not eating her donut, like it hurts my feeling if I have to eat one more, wrong-o kid, I LOVE donuts!!! I find that in life, there are very few things donuts can't fix, and if donuts can't fix them then wine always can. Guaranteed. So life is good again, we're singing in the car crazy loud to some songs I am unsure if the kids should listen to, but anything to keep them happy, and we're all eating donuts. Life.Is.Good. Or is it?? The hell if it is....now I realize the whole reason I went to the store. More cooking food and freezing it. SON OF A BISTRO!!!
I'm home and I'm not happy. I did cook some food. I made about ten meals or so already today, but I.DONT.WANT.TO.SEE.ONE.MORE.CHICKEN!! I hate chicken. I would considering becoming a vegan because I feel I cannot stand the sight of meat ever again after cooking so much of it, but I hate chickens so much I will eat them just to spite them. I hated birds to begin with, they freak me out with all their weird pecking and flying at people. I once watched The Birds for the first time and when I was finished I stepped out onto our deck where a bird proceeded to dive bomb me. That was when my hatred of birds started, and it has only grown from there. A few weeks ago I went to walk out to my "sunroom" (really a room with thrown together by idiots with a styrofoam celing and everything just half-assed and stupid looking. I mean the ceiling is bright blue for crying out loud!), oh and did I mention there are BIRDS living above the ceiling below the roof in my sunroom? One pecked his way through the styrofoam ceiling, got stuck in the sunroom, and flew back and forth smashing into the windows and bleeding all over the place. Disgusting right? I thought the bird was gone and I was on the phone with my mom chatting it up walking around the sunroom when the bird appears out of nowhere and flies at me. Needless to say, my mom heard me say words a lady should just never say. It was traumatizing. Probably just as traumatizing to her considering she and my father are pastors. Yeah that's right....I'm a pastor's kid. I'll save those stories for another blog. Oh, and I can read your mind, you stop right now with that "OH THAT'S what's wrong with her" the hell if it is...it's because I fell five feet onto blacktop and landed on my head. Again, that's a whole different blog waiting to happen ;)
Now, do you understand why I hate birds? As if I didn't hate them enough before I started my cooking endeavor, now I have 20 lbs of raw bird corpses to deal with. I hate it....all of it. Thank God the cooking is almost over, at least I hope it is. Please remind me next time I think it would be fun to cook more food than my family would ever eat in a month, to shut the hell up and go take a nap. Thanks, I appreciate it.
Well I must go shred the ten pounds of chicken waiting for me, and find a place for the ten bags of groceries sitting in the middle of my kitchen floor that I keep tripping over and cursing. One of these days, I'm going to be done cooking. FOR.GOOD! It's a good thing I will have food in the freezer for over a month, because it's going to take at least that long for me to ever have the desire to cook again.
Off I go, wish me luck. I hate this idea and I hate myself for having it. The worst part of it all, is that after spending all this time cooking this stuff, I don't want to ever eat any of it. I have been cooking for days yet I've only been eating candy and twinkies. Why you ask? Because I don't want to eat that naked skinned cat looking chicken I boiled yesterday, or anything that caused me to lose sleep. I just finished off breakfast some cola gummy things, I suppose they should provide enough strength for me to go shred ten pounds of chicken. That won't take long right??? ;)
~JB
Now let me tell you why it is such a pain in the arse for me to go to the store. Number one: I have kids. It's never easy taking them anywhere, be it one or four, I hate taking them with me, this morning was no exception. I would rather take a bath in an alligator's mouth than take more than one child in public with me. Don't even ask me what I would rather do than take all four in public, you would be horrified, but not as horrified as I would be to take all those kids with me! Number two: I live in BFE, yes, it means what you think it does. I live 25 miles away from the damn store, so it costs me probably about ten bucks in gas to hop in the mommy mobile and run to the store and back, and even a "quick" trip takes at least 2 hours. Not to mention that living in farmville you may get stuck driving behind farmer joe in his john deere. Whoever made up the phrase "nothing runs like a deere" was an idiot. It insinuates that the bastard thing can go faster than 20 mph and that is just a flat out lie. Number three: I forgot my coupons. I hate going anywhere without my coupons. It makes me angry. I just know I'll find something on clearance that I had a coupon for and could have had said item for free. So I was just crabby all around this morning.
So last night I made a note ( a MENTAL note that is) of what I needed from the store and decided to keep my youngest son home from school so I would have time to run all my errands and not have to worry about getting him off the bus. I don't know how many times I have asked my friends to please remind me keeping him home from school is NEVER a good idea, yet I forget and do it anyway. Today was no exception to that rule, it sucked. I love having my little boy around, he's great fun, however....he and Pieface HATE each other! I cannot stand those two together yet they are the combination of kids I almost always have. It's so hard not to freak out in public while those two yell "STOP GABE" and "MOM SHE'S LOOKING AT ME, TELL HER TO STOP LOOKING AT ME" oh and my most favorite "MOM GABE'S SITTING BY ME!!" like where would you prefer him to sit? On the luggage rack on the roof? I don't dare ask, I know she would say yes.
So I take off with my two babies thinking today was going to be a wonderful day. I should have known today would suck. I mean, come on, it's a Monday for crying out loud. Also, my husband calls me 5 minutes after he leaves for work, which I should have realized something was wrong because he never calls me in the morning. He was all nonchalant asking what I was doing, like he didn't just get off the webcam with me 5 minutes prior to calling. Then he was like "oh, get this, a tree fell on my car". (I told him God did it to smite him for making fun of my cooking on facebook). Yup, it's gonna be a great day!!!
So anyway, off I go to run my errands, and head into the grocery store with my mental list ready to go. I walk into the store, mental list disappears. Completely.Gone. I have no idea why I'm there other than to get sour cream. WTF?!?! Now, anyone that knows me knows I have the worst memory ever. EVER I tell you! I have been calling Darlene for going on probably 3 or 4 years and every time we're chatting online and I tell her I'm going to call, I have to ask for the number. EVERY time!! So anyway, I'm in this store just wandering, going from one end of the store to the other because God knows as the memory starts to come back it couldn't be in order of the store, it would be things on opposite ends each time I think of them. I think it was God's way of telling me I have a fat ass and I need some exercise....or something like that ;) (wait, was that blasphemous?) Now I must mention, I love going to the store in the mornings. Okay, it's not the store that I love, I love seeing other mothers of small children being miserable. Misery loves company. It makes me happy if my children are quiet for just one minute while someone else's scream and wail as loudly as possible. I know, I'm a jerk, but it makes me happy. What makes me even happier, is getting to walk off from this wailing child knowing I am not personally resposible for the screaming monster ;)
I decided to bribe the kids with donuts because they were bright colored and tasty and let's face it, I cannot leave a store without having first consumed a maple persian donut, and I cannot be that fat assed mommy that walks around eating donuts while her skinny kids beg for food. Honestly, my kids are scrawny. Seriously scrawny. Ask anyone, it's awful. I have no idea why, I swear to you I feed those kids!! Even my "chubby" one is still way underweight, sad isn't it? I guess they don't take after their mother in the packing on the fat category. Anyhow, so I buy these kids some donuts, thinking THIS will make them happy. Oh stupid stupid me....
On one of my many previous shopping trips this weekend I bought Pieface a hello kitty candy necklace. Partially because it was just cute and of course the baby always gets spoiled when the other kids are with dillweed, and partially because I will do or buy anything to keep my kid quiet in the grocery store. She has this scream that makes you want to saw off your own head with a plastic butter knife rather than listen to for more than one second. It's horrid. So she is madly in love with her hello kitty candy necklace, first thing she does? Bites off hello kitty's head. Should have been a sign to me....but again, I'm an idiot.
Pieface has worn that necklace for 3 days. Just keeps munching on it and then putting it back on. She has been covered in white crust for 2 days. Even when I give her a bath, first thing she does is put it back on, which defeats the purpose of the damn bath in the first place, so why did I even bother? She asks me to put it on her dresser at night and every morning when she wakes up and magically appears in my face to say good morning, she's wearing it. Loves it. What she doesn't love, is not getting her way. Lately she's been throwing some good temper tantrums, and loves to yell stupid garbage at me like "FINE I won't have my birthday" which apparently is suppose to hurt me or something, but what do I care if I don't have to bake a cake and wrap presents and mess up my house even more?
So in the store Pieface is mad at her brother, and mad at me because they were beating each other so I would't let them ride the horse which is her most favorite thing to do in life. Mean, bad mommy. So she says "FINE I don't want my necklace" and throws it on the ground. This is when I start hauling arse to get away from it because I am not letting her eat something that has been on the ground for more than 30 seconds in a public place. Well that is enough to send miss queen bee into a raging fit. I'm talking RAGING fit! She was hitting, screaming, kicking....yeah I'm that mom where you want to walk up and smack ME because my kid is so bad. It was awesome. I finally get to the van and tell Pieface to go get in her carseat, because at 3, my kid still needs a baby carseat, told you they're scrawny!! Immediately Pieface makes a run for it and starts running around my van. So I'm running around the van chasing this little beast trying to figure out in my head how I will keep myself from beating her once I finally catch her. I finally catch the monster and despite her kicking and screaming I get her strapped in, at this point I am thankful I can strap her in a baby carseat because a tantrum like that deserves a 5 point harness.
Thank goodness that trip was over! Pieface tried to punish me by not eating her donut, like it hurts my feeling if I have to eat one more, wrong-o kid, I LOVE donuts!!! I find that in life, there are very few things donuts can't fix, and if donuts can't fix them then wine always can. Guaranteed. So life is good again, we're singing in the car crazy loud to some songs I am unsure if the kids should listen to, but anything to keep them happy, and we're all eating donuts. Life.Is.Good. Or is it?? The hell if it is....now I realize the whole reason I went to the store. More cooking food and freezing it. SON OF A BISTRO!!!
I'm home and I'm not happy. I did cook some food. I made about ten meals or so already today, but I.DONT.WANT.TO.SEE.ONE.MORE.CHICKEN!! I hate chicken. I would considering becoming a vegan because I feel I cannot stand the sight of meat ever again after cooking so much of it, but I hate chickens so much I will eat them just to spite them. I hated birds to begin with, they freak me out with all their weird pecking and flying at people. I once watched The Birds for the first time and when I was finished I stepped out onto our deck where a bird proceeded to dive bomb me. That was when my hatred of birds started, and it has only grown from there. A few weeks ago I went to walk out to my "sunroom" (really a room with thrown together by idiots with a styrofoam celing and everything just half-assed and stupid looking. I mean the ceiling is bright blue for crying out loud!), oh and did I mention there are BIRDS living above the ceiling below the roof in my sunroom? One pecked his way through the styrofoam ceiling, got stuck in the sunroom, and flew back and forth smashing into the windows and bleeding all over the place. Disgusting right? I thought the bird was gone and I was on the phone with my mom chatting it up walking around the sunroom when the bird appears out of nowhere and flies at me. Needless to say, my mom heard me say words a lady should just never say. It was traumatizing. Probably just as traumatizing to her considering she and my father are pastors. Yeah that's right....I'm a pastor's kid. I'll save those stories for another blog. Oh, and I can read your mind, you stop right now with that "OH THAT'S what's wrong with her" the hell if it is...it's because I fell five feet onto blacktop and landed on my head. Again, that's a whole different blog waiting to happen ;)
Now, do you understand why I hate birds? As if I didn't hate them enough before I started my cooking endeavor, now I have 20 lbs of raw bird corpses to deal with. I hate it....all of it. Thank God the cooking is almost over, at least I hope it is. Please remind me next time I think it would be fun to cook more food than my family would ever eat in a month, to shut the hell up and go take a nap. Thanks, I appreciate it.
Well I must go shred the ten pounds of chicken waiting for me, and find a place for the ten bags of groceries sitting in the middle of my kitchen floor that I keep tripping over and cursing. One of these days, I'm going to be done cooking. FOR.GOOD! It's a good thing I will have food in the freezer for over a month, because it's going to take at least that long for me to ever have the desire to cook again.
Off I go, wish me luck. I hate this idea and I hate myself for having it. The worst part of it all, is that after spending all this time cooking this stuff, I don't want to ever eat any of it. I have been cooking for days yet I've only been eating candy and twinkies. Why you ask? Because I don't want to eat that naked skinned cat looking chicken I boiled yesterday, or anything that caused me to lose sleep. I just finished off breakfast some cola gummy things, I suppose they should provide enough strength for me to go shred ten pounds of chicken. That won't take long right??? ;)
~JB
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Jonna's missing u.p's... std's.. and damn chicken
Ok.. this was just too CLASSIC not to share. The following is a conversation which occured between octo-mom-wannabe jb and I, which occured yesterday on MSN!
Darlene: hey what ya doin
Jonna: trying to decide if I should look for the kids or not
Darlene: where are they?
Jonna: outside........................ some.where
Darlene: o.. lucky you
Jonna: no seriously.. I can't see them or hear them anymore I should go look for them
Darlene: why? you can't be everywhere they are.. they'll come home.
Jonna: hmm thought I heard Alyssa
Darlene: HIDE! LOCK THE DOORS!
Jonna: should I go look? (WHY ARE U EVEN ASKING ME AT THIS POINT..??)
Darlene: nah I wouldn't.. i only can pray mine get lost.. their older they KNOW their way home
silence...................................
Jonna: my dr tested me for std's .. apparently I look like a whore
Darlene: wow.. lost kids AND you look like a whore, I can only dress like one. You DO.HAVE.IT.ALL .. bitch
What else could I say to a statement like that?? Now, she's buried in 20 lbs of chicken carcus SOMEWHERE in her house.. raking up her electric bill doing a months worth of meals in 1 night (OMG mothers RESEMBLE superwoman.. BUT YOU AREN'T HER!!). I got thinkin what an idiot she is and that cooking is NOT YET AN OLYMPIC SPORT...plus FFS YOU MAKE ME LOOK BAD..
She never did tell me the results of the std's test... are you hiding something jb? Now I add to my list
looks whorish
has a baby momma**
lost kids
gawd do u have to rub in how awesome you and your life are??? GO F.A.T! (for those that don't know.. that is my polite way of telling her to go eff a tree). I'm gonna soon pretend I don't know you if you do NOT stop coming up w/these ridiculous ideas.. or at least mention them to me BEFORE you do them.. you have some hope of being saved if I can talk your azz out of it.
now I must peel... potatoes......... oh hubby got them done... yay!
It's 5:14pm I've managed to thoroughly enjoy my day thus far minus the 171 "episodes".. I've got my hair done now to raid the dresser and closet and see if I can find SOMETHING to wear... this might be one of those times where I should just wait til I really have *no* time to get ready.. then I don't have the time to look in the mirror.. horrified w/that deer in the headlights look...mersmized by what's looking back.. and not in a good way ppl.
-Darlene
Darlene: hey what ya doin
Jonna: trying to decide if I should look for the kids or not
Darlene: where are they?
Jonna: outside........................ some.where
Darlene: o.. lucky you
Jonna: no seriously.. I can't see them or hear them anymore I should go look for them
Darlene: why? you can't be everywhere they are.. they'll come home.
Jonna: hmm thought I heard Alyssa
Darlene: HIDE! LOCK THE DOORS!
Jonna: should I go look? (WHY ARE U EVEN ASKING ME AT THIS POINT..??)
Darlene: nah I wouldn't.. i only can pray mine get lost.. their older they KNOW their way home
silence...................................
Jonna: my dr tested me for std's .. apparently I look like a whore
Darlene: wow.. lost kids AND you look like a whore, I can only dress like one. You DO.HAVE.IT.ALL .. bitch
What else could I say to a statement like that?? Now, she's buried in 20 lbs of chicken carcus SOMEWHERE in her house.. raking up her electric bill doing a months worth of meals in 1 night (OMG mothers RESEMBLE superwoman.. BUT YOU AREN'T HER!!). I got thinkin what an idiot she is and that cooking is NOT YET AN OLYMPIC SPORT...plus FFS YOU MAKE ME LOOK BAD..
She never did tell me the results of the std's test... are you hiding something jb? Now I add to my list
looks whorish
has a baby momma**
lost kids
gawd do u have to rub in how awesome you and your life are??? GO F.A.T! (for those that don't know.. that is my polite way of telling her to go eff a tree). I'm gonna soon pretend I don't know you if you do NOT stop coming up w/these ridiculous ideas.. or at least mention them to me BEFORE you do them.. you have some hope of being saved if I can talk your azz out of it.
now I must peel... potatoes......... oh hubby got them done... yay!
It's 5:14pm I've managed to thoroughly enjoy my day thus far minus the 171 "episodes".. I've got my hair done now to raid the dresser and closet and see if I can find SOMETHING to wear... this might be one of those times where I should just wait til I really have *no* time to get ready.. then I don't have the time to look in the mirror.. horrified w/that deer in the headlights look...mersmized by what's looking back.. and not in a good way ppl.
-Darlene
I want to be octo-mom
JB here. Okay I need to clarify, I don't wish I was THE octo-mom, just wish I was an octo-mom as in, I need 8 arms. I came up with this bright idea the other day, in the middle of the night I might add (I always seem to come up with BRILLIANT ideas in the middle of the night, and no, alcohol was not involved!). So this wonderful idea, I decided since surgery is looming in my near future and I'll be stuck in bed for about a month, I figured I would prepare for the future and do the once a month freezer cooking thing. What is this you ask? Oh, it's a way to make at least 2-3 days of your life living hell, only to find out that after you cook all this food to last you over a month, your freezer was already full of things to eat which require much less cooking than the healthy meals you have slaved over for days, such as pizza rolls.
So you also need to know I am obsessed with couponing. I love it. If I have to pay even 50% off the regular price I get upset, apparently I'm cheap (no comments from you Darlene!!). So thanks to these coupons which I love so much, my freezer is entirely full. I'm not kidding, I bought one package of bologna and couldn't find room for it in the freezer. Now, thanks to couponing, I have more food than any 5 households needs, and no room in my freezer for all this food which I thought would be so fun to make. Stupid stupid me.
Here I sit on my kitchen floor, why you ask? Because I am hiding from the 20lbs of raw chicken sitting on my counter waiting to be cooked. No joke. I am an idiot. If you didn't know that by now, now you know, I am an idiot. Oh and as if all the 10 pounds of chicken and 10 lbs of hamburger I had in my freezer last night wasn't enough, I went out and bought more to double that tally, which brings me to this stupid mess of having 20 lbs of dead bird laying on my counter. Yes, stupid, I know. I also read that it's smart to buy a whole chicken, and as luck would have it they were on sale, so I bought 3. Yes, THREE! Again, I know...no need to remind me of my stupidity, I sit surrounded by it as I write.
Now this whole chicken, it's quite disgusting and one would think I would remember my Thanksgiving incident where I decided to cook my first turkey ever. As soon as it came time to touch it and pick it up, I freaked and screamed. Thanks to Thanksgiving my children are deathly afraid of poultry. Oh, but I did learn SOMETHING from that turkey experience!! I cooked it with that bag of garbage inside, you know, the crap that no one wants to eat but they shove it up the turkeys...you know....and sell it. STUPID! Even worse idea than my freezer cooking one if you ask me!
Now being the smart woman I am, I remember to take out the bag of garbage inside the chicken. Which the entire time I keep wondering if anyone had something against this chicken, maybe it was warned one too many times "if you don't stop pecking me I'm going to break your neck and stuff it up your @$$" so I am giggling enjoying my time trying to figure out how to get this chickens guts out of it without losing what little I have left of my sanity. So I am in the kitchen on the webcam with my hubs, trying to keep my cool when I realize how disgusting this raw bird is. I try not to scream so hubby won't know what a little girl I am, and run from the sink to the pot with this naked thing, acting like nothing is wrong. As soon as I put it in the pot, I look down at the bird and realize, it looked like a skinned cat. Now, I am no animal lover by any means but I would be most partial to cats. If this bird looked like a skinned dog...whatever, boil the little beast ;) But it looked to me like a skinned cat and I figured maybe if I flipped it over, it would look less disgusting. Being the brave woman I am, I screamed as loudly as I could while flopping it over. I'm sure the hubs was quite impressed.
Anyway, after this whole naked poultry fiasco, I get down to business and start cooking this whole cow I have sitting on my counter. I decided to make 4 lasagnas, because I make "killer lasagna", at least according to my brother I do. Plus, I figure if I'm stuck in bed for a month its either that or lean cuisine, and I would rather eat a cardboard box than eat lean cuisine. Actually, I don't know if I were in a taste test and blindfolded if I could tell the difference between a cardboard box and lean cuisine.
So I managed to make my 4 lasagnas, the whole while chasing kids out of the kitchen and tripping over the bags of food that are sitting in the middle of the floor because my pantry and fridge and freezer are full up. Yes, I knew they were full before I went to the grocery store, I am just that stupid and assumed an empty cupboard would appear out of thin air. I was wrong.
Well, I have not a clue what I was typing about, as I had to go yell at a kid to "PUT DOWN THAT STICK AND GET IN THE HOUSE" and then had to run hide as I noticed all kinds of people out in their yards and after all, it is Mother's day, I am not allowed to be beastly and loud today, that should be reserved for days when we aren't celebrating the joys of motherhood.
Okay back to the lasagna. Not only do I not want to eat this damn lasagna I made, I never want to see one again for as long as I live. I hate myself for being so stupid and thinking this was a great idea. I hate my kitchen for being so small. I hate my freezer for being full. Most of all, I hate this kitchen floor....my @$$ is falling asleep and I'm afraid if I leave the kitchen I'll forget about the whole chicken farm laying on my counter and waste enough food to feed a small country for at least 3 years. Maybe i'm exaggerating, maybe it would only feed them for a year, but STILL ;)
So my husband now thinks I'm crazy. Last night he was singing my praises on what a domestic goddess I am for taking on such a task, and now he is saying I'm weird. I think mainly he is telling me that because I am sitting on the floor typing away and rocking myself. In my defense, if you had just had the poultry experience I did, you would probably be rocking yourself too!! He actually thought I was singing because I had muted the webcam and was yelling at the UP's to get out of the kitchen and clean up their mess in the living room. FYI: yogurt + smashed up goldfish crackers + unsupervised ungrateful punks = DISASTER. That's your math lesson for today.
Well I suppose I should go do something with all these nasty, naked birds I have laying around. If you don't hear from me again, one of them got me....either the kids or the chicken, both are likely culprits. Dear God save me from myself and my "bright" ideas!!!
~JB
So you also need to know I am obsessed with couponing. I love it. If I have to pay even 50% off the regular price I get upset, apparently I'm cheap (no comments from you Darlene!!). So thanks to these coupons which I love so much, my freezer is entirely full. I'm not kidding, I bought one package of bologna and couldn't find room for it in the freezer. Now, thanks to couponing, I have more food than any 5 households needs, and no room in my freezer for all this food which I thought would be so fun to make. Stupid stupid me.
Here I sit on my kitchen floor, why you ask? Because I am hiding from the 20lbs of raw chicken sitting on my counter waiting to be cooked. No joke. I am an idiot. If you didn't know that by now, now you know, I am an idiot. Oh and as if all the 10 pounds of chicken and 10 lbs of hamburger I had in my freezer last night wasn't enough, I went out and bought more to double that tally, which brings me to this stupid mess of having 20 lbs of dead bird laying on my counter. Yes, stupid, I know. I also read that it's smart to buy a whole chicken, and as luck would have it they were on sale, so I bought 3. Yes, THREE! Again, I know...no need to remind me of my stupidity, I sit surrounded by it as I write.
Now this whole chicken, it's quite disgusting and one would think I would remember my Thanksgiving incident where I decided to cook my first turkey ever. As soon as it came time to touch it and pick it up, I freaked and screamed. Thanks to Thanksgiving my children are deathly afraid of poultry. Oh, but I did learn SOMETHING from that turkey experience!! I cooked it with that bag of garbage inside, you know, the crap that no one wants to eat but they shove it up the turkeys...you know....and sell it. STUPID! Even worse idea than my freezer cooking one if you ask me!
Now being the smart woman I am, I remember to take out the bag of garbage inside the chicken. Which the entire time I keep wondering if anyone had something against this chicken, maybe it was warned one too many times "if you don't stop pecking me I'm going to break your neck and stuff it up your @$$" so I am giggling enjoying my time trying to figure out how to get this chickens guts out of it without losing what little I have left of my sanity. So I am in the kitchen on the webcam with my hubs, trying to keep my cool when I realize how disgusting this raw bird is. I try not to scream so hubby won't know what a little girl I am, and run from the sink to the pot with this naked thing, acting like nothing is wrong. As soon as I put it in the pot, I look down at the bird and realize, it looked like a skinned cat. Now, I am no animal lover by any means but I would be most partial to cats. If this bird looked like a skinned dog...whatever, boil the little beast ;) But it looked to me like a skinned cat and I figured maybe if I flipped it over, it would look less disgusting. Being the brave woman I am, I screamed as loudly as I could while flopping it over. I'm sure the hubs was quite impressed.
Anyway, after this whole naked poultry fiasco, I get down to business and start cooking this whole cow I have sitting on my counter. I decided to make 4 lasagnas, because I make "killer lasagna", at least according to my brother I do. Plus, I figure if I'm stuck in bed for a month its either that or lean cuisine, and I would rather eat a cardboard box than eat lean cuisine. Actually, I don't know if I were in a taste test and blindfolded if I could tell the difference between a cardboard box and lean cuisine.
So I managed to make my 4 lasagnas, the whole while chasing kids out of the kitchen and tripping over the bags of food that are sitting in the middle of the floor because my pantry and fridge and freezer are full up. Yes, I knew they were full before I went to the grocery store, I am just that stupid and assumed an empty cupboard would appear out of thin air. I was wrong.
Well, I have not a clue what I was typing about, as I had to go yell at a kid to "PUT DOWN THAT STICK AND GET IN THE HOUSE" and then had to run hide as I noticed all kinds of people out in their yards and after all, it is Mother's day, I am not allowed to be beastly and loud today, that should be reserved for days when we aren't celebrating the joys of motherhood.
Okay back to the lasagna. Not only do I not want to eat this damn lasagna I made, I never want to see one again for as long as I live. I hate myself for being so stupid and thinking this was a great idea. I hate my kitchen for being so small. I hate my freezer for being full. Most of all, I hate this kitchen floor....my @$$ is falling asleep and I'm afraid if I leave the kitchen I'll forget about the whole chicken farm laying on my counter and waste enough food to feed a small country for at least 3 years. Maybe i'm exaggerating, maybe it would only feed them for a year, but STILL ;)
So my husband now thinks I'm crazy. Last night he was singing my praises on what a domestic goddess I am for taking on such a task, and now he is saying I'm weird. I think mainly he is telling me that because I am sitting on the floor typing away and rocking myself. In my defense, if you had just had the poultry experience I did, you would probably be rocking yourself too!! He actually thought I was singing because I had muted the webcam and was yelling at the UP's to get out of the kitchen and clean up their mess in the living room. FYI: yogurt + smashed up goldfish crackers + unsupervised ungrateful punks = DISASTER. That's your math lesson for today.
Well I suppose I should go do something with all these nasty, naked birds I have laying around. If you don't hear from me again, one of them got me....either the kids or the chicken, both are likely culprits. Dear God save me from myself and my "bright" ideas!!!
~JB
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